Category Archives: BREAKING DIRT!

Prez Sez What?


In honor of the inauguration, I thought it would be fun to highlight some words* of wisdom from past and present U.S. Presidents to remind us just how lucky we are to live in a country that allows us to vote for our leader.

You might remember some of these influential quotes:

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. -President Abraham Lincoln

If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter. -President George Washington 

My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. -President John F. Kennedy 

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -President Franklin D. Roosevelt

I did try and fuck her. She was married. -President Donald Trump

I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. -President Donald Trump

Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. -President Donald Trump

Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything. -President Donald Trump

Happy Inauguration Day, Americans.

Trump quotes were pulled from Access Hollywood video footage transcribed by the NY Times

*This post was inspired by my friend A.S. Thank you for being smart, funny, and, while extremely masculine, not a disgusting “pussy grabber.” 




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The Spongebob Musical


I know, I know, the whole world thinks Hamilton is THE show to see.

You’re all wrong, world.

Because I don’t care how many Tonys that thing has won. There’s NO WAY it’s as good as The Spongebob Musical.

Ok, fine, I’m sure Hamilton IS amazing also, but I’m telling you, Spongebob was tons-o-fun!

And I was able to drink wine during the show. And there was a surprise ending. And one of the characters has four legs!

Bet no one in Hamilton has four legs, right? I’m just saying…

So my family was pretty jazzed when mommy’s work* offered to let us check out The Spongebob Musical  at the Oriental Theater in downtown Chicago.

Ok, enough comparing Hammy to Spongy. Anyway, there are enough nights in the week to see everything, so I’m sticking to Spongebob deets from here on out, um-kay?

So, not only is the story entertaining for kids and parents, but the colorful scenery is stunning, the costumes are really clever, and the music has been created by amazing artists like John Legend, Cyndi Lauper, They Might Be Giants, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith, Jonathan Coulton, Lady Antebellum, Panic! At The Disco, T.I., and even the late, great David Bowie. Bonus: If you appreciate dancing at all, there is a tap routine that’s a major showstopper!

And the end of the show is super cool–and a BIG surprise for the kids and adults–but I don’t want to spoil a thing, because as much as you keep telling yourself you’re going to see The Spongebob Musical for your children, you’ll leave knowing you had just as much fun as they did.

Really! It’s that good.

*My tickets to the show were comped, however this review is my own opinion. The coincidence that it is a positive one is based on the fact that the show is actually terrific. I will say, I even liked the wine, so bravos all around. I did pay for my own wine. Not that I’m whining. 



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On The Runway: Milly at Neiman Marcus

I love a good fashion show, and I have to say, Neiman Marcus always puts its best foot forward, one super model-ly stomp in front of the other, each and every time it shows.

Not surprisingly, Thursday evening was no exception. Media, fashionistas, and NM regulars packed the 3rd floor of the Michigan Avenue store to watch Milly present it’s latest collection. Looks like we’re in for a hot time in Anytown with bright neons, denim gowns, off-the-shoulder maxi dresses, and vibrant florals and patterns. With flowing dresses, flirty skirts, and sexy, feminine separates like these, the warm weather can’t come fast enough!

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Amy Schumer, You’re My Motherf’ing Hero.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Photo credit: Getty Images

Before you’re all, why did you have to swear in your title (yes, mom, I can hear your voice when I type) I just want everyone to take a not-yoga breath–OMG, those loud ones are so gross–and praise Amy Schumer for winning an Emmy last night.

She didn’t censor herself, starve herself, or really even do her hair that well to do it. Sorry Am, but your hair is always a little messy like mine, and I LOVE it. Who the fuck cares? You won and all those really hungry, perfectly-coiffed girls in the audience didn’t.

Who’s PROM QUEEN the Emmy winner now?!!!

My point? While I’m not saying that I’d prefer my daughter grow up to have a vocab like a truck driver (although, with a mom like me, who the fuck are we kidding), I do hope that she has the guts like Amy to just be herself.

Of course, my daughter is only 5, so we have a lot of time before the real shit hits the adolescent fan. However since you’re never too young to learn a good life lesson, I spend a lot of time talking to my kids about being their own person, especially when it comes to my girl child. I preach about not worrying what friends are “in to” and not caring about what’s hot and what’s not, despite our mutual love of Us Weekly’s style section.

Like many parents, I want my daughter to be a leader and make her own decisions, but I also want her to know what it feels like to make the unpopular choice at times, even if it means not being the coolest cat in town.

Because sometimes, just sometimes, the girl who doesn’t conform ends up on stage holding an Emmy.

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Wait, What? I’m 40?!

Smiling on the outside, aging on everywhere else…happy birthday to me!

Smiling on the outside, aging everywhere else…happy birthday to me!

Here it comes boys and girls. I don’t even have to peddle the wheels on the bike. I’m just coasting down the hill (or over it) to my 40th birthday.

It happens this Labor Day weekend and instead of giving you a long list of items I’ve checked off my bucket list or ways I plan to stay cool and/or relevant given my middle age status, I thought I’d celebrate with deep thoughts by Jo Aaron. Cause I’m mature now.

STOP LAUGHING. That’s better.

Here goes:

I found a random hair the other day (I’m not saying where) and thought, I’m so happy I’m not a supermodel. Obvi, I’ve never thought that thought before, but I’ll bet no one ever tells Gisele if she has a longy spring out of her chin and if you’re a woman, you know why. You’re a jealous bitch, but you totally know why. Don’t worry, you’re never going to be friends with her, so it’s no big deal. It’s not like I’m telling her either.

How lucky is my husband? I’m neither menopausal, nor pregnant, so pretty much for the first time in our marriage, he’s getting non-hormonal Jo. I wonder if he feels like he has a new wife? I wonder if it’s weird having an argument with someone who doesn’t change topic mid-fight? Actually, let’s not share this with him…just in case I feel like being irrational and winning again. You know what I’m talking about. I might want to bring up something he did 10 years ago, and *Ladies Law says I can, so just keep this clarity between us, ok?

I got Botox the other day. Just a bit. From a friend from high school who is my derm. Because I’m old enough to have friends who are my real-life medical doctors with real-life medical degrees from, like, really good schools who have been out of those really good schools for like, a really long time. Because we’re all 40. Yeah, it sucks. But the Botox does not suck. Just ask my 35-to-38-year-old looking face.

My son thinks it’s my 23rd birthday. My daughter thinks I’m going to be 70. Guess who is getting the better birthday present this year?

After 40 years on this earth, I’ve learned so many things. The most important one? Laser hair removal works really well if you just buy the damn package and do the sessions really close together. Seriously. Take it from a once-hairy Jewish girl who made it through the summer without a laser near her bikini line. And no, that’s not a humble brag. That’s a full on Brazilian brag. Just ask my friend Gisele. But don’t you dare mention her chin hair…

*Ladies Law is an amendment in the constitution that basically says women can say whatever, whenever and dudes have to accept it. If your gentleman doesn’t believe me, tell him to go read the entire US Constitution. It’s there. I just can’t remember where, but it is and that’s the end of this argument. 

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New Naked Eye Palette–Now S*%$’s Really Gettin’ Trivial

Urban Decay makeup

Yo, Kimmy from Maine who asked in a comment on my last blog post if my life was trivial, you’re going to LOVE this one…

Guess what’s coming out next month? The newest eye shadow palette from Urban Decay!!! (I’m giving eyeshadow three exclamation points because I don’t have anything to do today!!!)

Yep, Naked Smoky coming’s to a store near you.

You hear that Kimmy??? Lives are going to change.

Because Urban Decay knows that (wo)man cannot be expected to exist on only 3 palettes–namely Naked 1, Naked 2, and Naked 3–they are coming to our rescue with Naked Smoky, and I for one, am waiting on the edge of my well-worn-in couch.

So while I might not lead the most exciting life, as mentioned by my new friend, I will look damn good, with my new smoky, sexy eyes, waiting in line for the bathroom at Starbucks (see my last post.)

Naked Smoky Urban Decay is available on July 8.

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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Binge It. Now.


Here are a few bad things that happened to me today…

  • I raced to school to drop off my kids so I could get to my doctor’s office on time for my early appointment this morning. Turns out my appointment is tomorrow.
  • I bought an oatmeal raisin cookie but it was really an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. Chocolate chips?! I couldn’t even count it as my fruit for the day.
  • The neighbor’s cat left a sweet little present at the bottom of the front steps of our house. That is, if you consider a dead mouse to be a sweet little present. I happen to prefer diamonds.

However, throughout all of this trauma (dramatic much Jo?) I managed to find a light at the end of the tunnel: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

In a word, this show is freaking awesome–ok, that’s two words, but you’ll forgive me the minute you start watching.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is Tina Fey’s comedy series for Netflix starring Ellie Kemper (The Office), Jane Krakowski (30 Rock), and Tituss Burgess and it’s nothing less than totally delightful! Even Jon Hamm, one of my favorite people, Jerry Minor, and Tina Fey make guest appearances to up the funny factor.

Trust me, bad moods don’t stand a chance against this unavoidably binge-able show. Not even chocolate chip-raisin mix-up ones.

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Play-Doh And Other Inappropriate Kids’ Toys

toys, kids, parents, games


What’s worse than losing your job right before the holidays? Losing your job right after the new year. And if I were a betting girl, and I do love Las Vegas, so I am, I’m going to guess the person in charge of creating this toy for Play-Doh,

Play Doh, toys, Christmas, penis

Play-Doh Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain Playset

might not have a position with the company post-holiday season. Why you ask? The Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain looks innocent enough, you say? Check out the left corner of the picture above…the purple shot-looking device. Well, one mom claims it “ruined” her Christmas when she gave it to her child, and here is why…careful, Play-Doh comes out:

Play-doh, toy, kids, parenting

Photo from Twitter

Personally, I think this is the funniest thing is the world. Personally, I’m about as mature as a junior high schooler. I’m ok with it. Penises are hilarious, especially when they are plastic and come in a playset for your kids that they are supposed to, get this, pack Play-Doh into and then squeeze Play-Doh out of the tip. I mean, you can’t make this shit up! So in honor of the PR nightmare aka. the Play-Doh Penis in the Sweet Shoppe (I mean, I can’t stop!), and the new year that I can only imagine will bring many new PR nightmares for a whole bunch of inappropriate children’s toys, let’s look back at other not-so-appropriate toys for kids from years past…’cause they’re so damn funny! The Balzac toy, game, kids, parents         It’s a ball, balloon thing. Yo, toy manufacturers, here’s a little secret. These days, schools are allowing kids to learn how to spell by sounding out words and not correcting them. So if they want to spell ball sack, Balzac, than so be it. But do you really want your kids kicking it around on the playground? Harry Potter’s Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broomstick

kids, parents, toys, games, Harry Potter

Photo from TIME

When girls of all ages starting spending a LOT of time in their bedrooms with their new favorite vibrating toy, parents wondered if the plastic broomstick was the best money ever spent or if their 12-17-year-olds were really that into the little wizard boy? Oh cute, mom and dad accidentally bought their sweetheart her first vibrator. That’s special. To all you Potter freaks, it’s no longer on the market, so you’re out of luck. Barbie Sweet Talking Ken Doll

toys, kids, parents, games, dolls

Photo from Amazon

Can we call this one, Pervy Pervert Ken? I mean, you can record up to 5 seconds of anything you want and he’ll repeat it back. Ewww. Gross. Here’s the deal, when I was really little (confession time) I sat in my dad’s office and swore for about 20 minutes straight on a tape recorder. I said every single swear I knew and some poor secretary probably found it in his drawer and thought his daughter had major issues. There is no doubt in my mind, any child who owns this disgustingly creepy Ken will do something similar. Please don’t let me be the only one.

As I look forward to 2015, I can’t wait for what toy drama the year promises to bring…will it be another scrotum-like kickball? A don’t-let-your-daughters-near-this-doll Ken? A penis pushing Play-Doh? A mom can dream, can’t she? Here is the whole Play-Doh penis story at E! Online

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Post Emmy Fashion Coverage-Because I Have To.

2014 Emmys

I wasn’t going to do it. I was going to keep my mouth shut.

I didn’t even watch the whole thing because I’m trying to be nicer and not so snarky. I figured what I didn’t know I couldn’t make fun of. But then I went online…and I ended up watching 2-hours of the show and as many after shows I could find.

Of course, I’m talking about Emmy fashion coverage. 

Some got it right, like Julia Roberts (POPSUGAR).

Julia Roberts, Emmys, Awards

That dress and those legs. Wow! But jeez, I wish they would have muted her until she read the actual winning name. Regardless. She got it so, so right.


Anyway there was plenty of wrong, and I’m here to point it out…because it’s so much FUN!!!

I mean, Lena (LATimes). What. The. Fuck. I am a huge Girls fan. So much so that I’ve every episode at least twice but holy cheese-us. It seems unfair of you to claim mental suffering and then wear this. It’s like not wanting to be made fun of for being a Kardashian but posting your ass on every public social media site. It’s just not fair. As far as I’m concerned, if we were friends I’d let you have it for this look, so here goes: Bjork, Andy Dick, and Mood Fabrics called and they don’t want their anything back. Lena 2014 EmmysThey saw your getup and they want you to keep it all for yourself because, damn girl, what the hell??? Are kids actually doing acid these days, because if you tell me you were sober when you picked this look, I cannot imagine what it’s like for you when you actually get wasted.

At least Lena Dunham went the creative route because her contemporaries, like Adam Levine (JustJared), decided to flick off the Television Academy by forgetting to shave and skipping the tie. Ok. We get it. You’re a “rockstar” and a “movie actor” since playing an asshole rockstar in Begin Again. Bet that role was probably a HUGE stretch from who you really are. Adam Levine 2014 EmmysBut as far as being a “TV actor”, please remember, you are a judge on a variety program on TV. You basically give a thumbs up or down on other people’s talent. That’s not acting. I’ve been doing the same thing at home since I started watching Star Search in the 80’s and no one’s inviting me to the Emmys. So throw on a tie and show some respect.

Same goes for you, Johnny Galecki (GQ). Yes, we’re psyched for you that you’re getting paid a king’s ransom per episode on the Big Bang Theory. Just a suggestion–rather than crapping on the Academy by snubbing their fancy party, next time, how about grabbing one of those easy-to-use clip on ties and at least feign humility now GQ, Johnny Galecki, Emmys, Awardsthat you’re middle aged rather than a bratty child actor? Seems like a small price to pay for the gazillions you make to be a TV star. You’re not saving lives there, buddy.

Who’s next?

Oh, Mayim Bialik (Fox News), you made it too easy. I recognize that this fashion choice was a religious one–I know you blogged that as an orthodox Jew, you wanted to look “hot and holy” but holy moly, you 503306591TM00116_66th_Annuamissed the mark. Girlfriend you have a great figure! You don’t have to show any skin from neck to ankle in order to check the 30-40 year-old box. Full coverage doesn’t have to mean Boca bubby at a black tie bar mitzvah, but you really took that theme and ran with it, didn’t cha?

I imagine Katherine Heigl sitting at home reading all of the awful things people write about her, chain smoking and swearing up a storm. That’s just how I picture her and if the rumors are correct, it’s going to get real noisy and smoky up in her house Katherine Heigl 2014 Emmysbecause the dress she wore at the Emmys was old-lady-hot-mess-ness. That long peach, quarter-length sleeve which perfectly covered those chicken wings that old women get when they hit their 30’s, high neck gown was something only Katherine Heigl could have imagined wearing to the Emmys as a little girl. She’s not a total stick in the mud–she did show a little bit of boob and who wouldn’t plotz over a dress with bodice detailing that hits you right smack dab on the nipples, or shall I say, on thy golden globes?! How youthful and glamorous! 

Actually, after seeing Katherine and Mayim, I can’t help but wonder if they use the same stylist? Just picture those two spending a day together at their stylist’s condo in West Palm Beach, sitting, ankles crossed, on a paisley velour couch, with their movie-star blue blockers over their eyes, watching models parade around in this season’s geriatric fashions, while munching on nilla wafers and sipping prune juice. G-d! To be young and famous!

I’m not bothering with Kathy Bates (Us Weekly) because that would be like bad mouthing the Pope. If she has a tribal meeting after the Jason LaVeris/FilmMagicawards show, who am I to call her out, right? She’s super famous, so I’m sure she’s really busy. Lots of famous people double book plans. 

Heidi Klum. (E! Online) I know she’s probably on a lot of people’s best dressed and I love ZP as much as the next fashionista out there, but let me shed some light here. Imagine if you will, that you are blessed with the body of a goddess. You are so tall that everything you eat goes straight to your hair, your stomach is a flat as Stanley’s (you know, Flat Stanley), those hip bones that everyone claims makes people look borderline anorexic simply make you look like a total supermodel, because you are in fact, a supermodel, yet, on one Jason Merritt/Getty Imagesof the hottest nights in Hollywood you decide to cover up all of your gorgeousness in melon fabric so no one can identify the lines of your figure. Oh yeah, and then you have wings on your sleeves so you actually look like an angel in case people forget that you model for Victoria’s Secret because in this dress, there’s no way people will remember you are a model. A bolt of fabric, absolutely, but a model? Not so much.

The rest of the worst are yours to look up…my where’s your-honor-able mentions include: 

Christina Hendricks, Laura Prepon, Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, and Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting











President Obama and I Shop Together

Obama, the Gap, shopping, minimum wage

Daddy bought presents at the Gap. I’m going to score SO many points with my family when I get home!

Considering my daily uniform is typically running pants and a workout shirt and Obama’s is usually a gorgeous custom-tailored suit and tie, I have to admit, I was a little surprised to find out we both shop at the Gap.

Ok, fine. POTUS probably doesn’t binge shop regularly for 1969 broken-in skinny jeans and GapFit long sleeve Motion shirts with the little thumby holes like I do.

However, on Tuesday, March 11, President Obama stopped by one of their Midtown NYC stores to promote a minimum wage campaign that’s designed to inspire business owners to increase the minimum wage for U.S. workers. So he was there. Just like I am often sometimes.

While the President basically posed for photo ops and offered up one-liners for the media, he did manage to pick out a few super-duper conservative pieces for the fam (He refused v-necks for his daughters in case of slippage. I smell a post-presidency teenage rebellion…), including a light blue workout jacket for Michelle and two button-down sweaters for his daughters, one in coral and the other in light pink.

Obama, shopping, Gap, minimum wage

Photo: Pablo Martinez Monsivais, AP

Obama, Gap, minimum wage, economy

Photo: Pablo Martinez Monsivais, AP

So you can pretty much expect all three items to sell out right… about…now.

My favorite part of the whole show?

The relentless salespeople who drive me nuts explaining the benefits of the Gap credit card each and every time I shop there, who refuse to accept my respectful rejection, which usually sounds something like, “Oh, no thank you, but my husband will divorce me if I open another credit card,” apparently had the balls to ask the President of the United States if he wanted to open one too!

His answer? “I’ve got one card. In fact I don’t always carry my wallet. I brought it specially for you.”

Way to stay strong! I bet the APR alone is a killer (I literally have no idea what that means…)

Although I’d never go for it myself, I can’t help but feel a little bad for the checkout clerk. I bet the commission for getting the President of the United States to sign up for a Gap card is huge.

*In honor of the President stimulating the economy at the Gap, I’m sharing my friends and family Gap online discount code that will save you 40% off of your entire Gap purchase–enter FAF40 at checkout. 

See, you shop because you’re saving, the Gap makes money, they hire more workers, they can pay them a higher hourly rate because you shopped, and all is right in the world.

It’s like the Lion King but with clothes, so I like it even more than the movie. And that’s a good movie! 

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