Author Archives: joleslieaaron

Prez Sez What?


In honor of the inauguration, I thought it would be fun to highlight some words* of wisdom from past and present U.S. Presidents to remind us just how lucky we are to live in a country that allows us to vote for our leader.

You might remember some of these influential quotes:

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. -President Abraham Lincoln

If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter. -President George Washington 

My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. -President John F. Kennedy 

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -President Franklin D. Roosevelt

I did try and fuck her. She was married. -President Donald Trump

I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. -President Donald Trump

Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. -President Donald Trump

Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything. -President Donald Trump

Happy Inauguration Day, Americans.

Trump quotes were pulled from Access Hollywood video footage transcribed by the NY Times

*This post was inspired by my friend A.S. Thank you for being smart, funny, and, while extremely masculine, not a disgusting “pussy grabber.” 




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The Spongebob Musical


I know, I know, the whole world thinks Hamilton is THE show to see.

You’re all wrong, world.

Because I don’t care how many Tonys that thing has won. There’s NO WAY it’s as good as The Spongebob Musical.

Ok, fine, I’m sure Hamilton IS amazing also, but I’m telling you, Spongebob was tons-o-fun!

And I was able to drink wine during the show. And there was a surprise ending. And one of the characters has four legs!

Bet no one in Hamilton has four legs, right? I’m just saying…

So my family was pretty jazzed when mommy’s work* offered to let us check out The Spongebob Musical  at the Oriental Theater in downtown Chicago.

Ok, enough comparing Hammy to Spongy. Anyway, there are enough nights in the week to see everything, so I’m sticking to Spongebob deets from here on out, um-kay?

So, not only is the story entertaining for kids and parents, but the colorful scenery is stunning, the costumes are really clever, and the music has been created by amazing artists like John Legend, Cyndi Lauper, They Might Be Giants, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith, Jonathan Coulton, Lady Antebellum, Panic! At The Disco, T.I., and even the late, great David Bowie. Bonus: If you appreciate dancing at all, there is a tap routine that’s a major showstopper!

And the end of the show is super cool–and a BIG surprise for the kids and adults–but I don’t want to spoil a thing, because as much as you keep telling yourself you’re going to see The Spongebob Musical for your children, you’ll leave knowing you had just as much fun as they did.

Really! It’s that good.

*My tickets to the show were comped, however this review is my own opinion. The coincidence that it is a positive one is based on the fact that the show is actually terrific. I will say, I even liked the wine, so bravos all around. I did pay for my own wine. Not that I’m whining. 



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On The Runway: Milly at Neiman Marcus

I love a good fashion show, and I have to say, Neiman Marcus always puts its best foot forward, one super model-ly stomp in front of the other, each and every time it shows.

Not surprisingly, Thursday evening was no exception. Media, fashionistas, and NM regulars packed the 3rd floor of the Michigan Avenue store to watch Milly present it’s latest collection. Looks like we’re in for a hot time in Anytown with bright neons, denim gowns, off-the-shoulder maxi dresses, and vibrant florals and patterns. With flowing dresses, flirty skirts, and sexy, feminine separates like these, the warm weather can’t come fast enough!

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Oh Facebook. Thanks For The Memories?


Hey April. WTF? I was seriously excited to see you, but so far, you suck. I mean, except for yesterday when it was 70 degrees for like 10 minutes. But I was at an indoor birthday party with my 6-year-old, so guess what? I still think you suck!

Come on. Be cool! Don’t be all like, uncool. (I’m taking my cues from the Countess. We both like to day drink, so I consider her a close friend. Not a friend who I actually know in real life, but stop being so judgy! Like you KNOW all YOUR friends. I mean, that’s like the whole basis of social media.)


Anyway, thanks to Facebook, not only do I get to relive my awkward preteen years, I’m also getting a chance to relive every insignificant daily post I’ve ever shared.

Ah, Facebook! How did you know I’d want to remember the stupid shit I told my “friends” exactly one-to-eight years ago today? Now I know all y’all don’t believe a scribe like myself would ever compose anything but elegant prose that generations will study long after I’m in the ground, but trust me, comments such as:

April 4, 2015 at 12:24pm · Chicago

Learned from my kids that Passover has something to do with cleaning, so I shaved above the knee today…

might be best forgotten, no?

Maybe I just wanted the masses to know body hair isn’t kosher for Passover? Not sure what my intention was on 4/4/15, but fortunately, the holiday isn’t celebrated until the end of April this year, so grow on thigh pricklies, grow on!

In the meantime, here are a few more historical Facebook references from the genius that is Jo Aaron:

April 4, 2014 at 3:44pm · Chicago ·

I’ve lost my voice. Why does my husband look so happy?
Actually, this one will stand the test of time. My husband will always be happy when the wifey goes dark. He’s not much of a chatter. He’s much more of a let’s-be-really-silent-together-and-watch-TV-but-I’ll-love-you-til-the-day-I-die kind of guy and he’s all mine.
Hands off ladies!
April 4, 2013 at 2:49pm · Chicago ·

So sad Roger Ebert. You may have only given Dumb and Dumber two stars but I still liked you. 
I loved Dumb and Dumber. I love all dumb movies. I’m childish and silly and I like movies that are just like me. The dumb and dumber the better and betterer. Ebert may not have agreed but I liked that man a lot.
April 4, 2012 at 9:25pm ·

Is this my daughter or is this my daughter? Doing her nails, reading a trashy magazine and telling me who wore it best. I worship this child!
Joanna Aaron's photo.
Foreshadowing at it’s finest, as this is the same child who begged me on the way to school this very morning to book a manicure appointment if she earns it this week. Ahhh, my adorable mini-mine. You make all of my Sephora senses tingle in the best way possible!
April 4, 2010 at 7:27am ·

We’re going to the yacht club’s Easter brunch-should be fun; Fish is scared of the guy in the bunny costume and Brad is pissed about wearing a jacket on a Sunday morning.
While my son is no longer scared of costumed bunnies, my husband still hates dressing up on Sundays. And Saturdays. And Mondays-Fridays. Honey, the kids have grown up so much…maybe we should too?
Actually, forget that. There’s too much shaving involved.



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Oh Dear, Why Can I See Her You-Know-What?!

I’ve been spending time online looking for a fun-in-the-sun wardrobe for an upcoming trip to Sunny Land. Since I only get to leave the nasty Chicago winter weather for one week out of the whole season, I’m going to dress the part.

In my search, I’ve come across some fab new sites that I promise to share shortly, however in the meantime, I couldn’t wait to post the fresh hell that I found on tonight. While searching through Swimwear & Coverups, I found this little slice, I mean, literally:

Neiman Marcus, cover up, swimsuit, resort, vacation

Does that come in camel?

When I showed him, my husband’s question was something like, couldn’t Neimans have done something to prevent that from looking so, uh, camel-toe-y in the picture.

My answer to him was something like, um, I’m pretty sure the company that offers fantasy holiday gifts like trips to space, can probably afford on-staff stylists who know how to avoid MAJOR, can’t look-away-from-it C-toe.


My favorite part is that the description of the romper focuses on the low-cut neckline. I feel fairly confident that the one person who buys this will not have to worry about anyone checking out her boobies. It will, however, be the first time a woman has ever had to say, “eyes up here,” and be talking about her vagina, so maybe that’s the sales pitch? I don’t know.

Just in case you want to get your own, click here and please send pics so I can make fun of you for the rest of your life. Shine on!

#resortwearFAIL!!! #omghowmanybubbiesinbocahavethis? #pleasemakeitstop #thisiswhyonesiesarefornewborns


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I Got People Drunk For Charity At The Public Hotel

hotel, mixology, drinks, Pump Room, celebrities

Look how hard I’m concentrating! I had to. I was getting people drunk for charity.

Actually, it was my 40th birthday party (come on now, you were invited, thanks to me social media-ing the @#$% out of it!) at the Public Hotel where I was invited to be the guest bartender to celebrate my entrance into my new decade. However the tip jar that was out was going to the charity of my choice (CASANA), so it was part party, part do-good-stuff-while-you-drink. I call that a win-win/drink situation. I very much enjoy those situations.

Being a Chicagoan, the Public Hotel is a big deal to me. It is home to the Pump Room which was “the” fancy restaurant for my family growing up. For example, Family Member A would say to Family Member B, “Why are you so dressed up? You think we’re going to the Pump Room or something?”

You get it. It was, like, a really big deal.

So when I was asked if I would like to party for my 40th at the Library Bar and have dinner at the Pump Room first, I said, yes, please, and thank you!

Let me first say, the people who manage the Pump Room, the Library Bar, and the Public Hotel are gracious and lovely. They are kind, they seemed excited to have me there, and they did not seem to care that I had NO idea what I had gotten myself into because, to answer everyone’s question, no, I had never bartended in my entire life. Can I pour myself a glass of wine? Sure. Do I want to stand behind a hotel bar where I can potentially knock every single bottle off the wall or break beautiful glassware? Not so much.

Turns out, the whole evening was a blast. Through my “tip jar” the Library Bar let me put out, I was able to raise tons of cash for CASANA–Childhood Apraxia of Speech Association of North America–which is a non-profit dedicated to children and families who live with a speech condition that plagues our son. Their amazing (and patient) bartenders taught me how to make a few drinks and even showed me how to swing a bottle by the neck to pour properly. Let’s just say, I’ll be a hit at my next dinner party.

The best part of the night? Getting to drink and laugh with my friends and family. Turning 40 might be hard on the pores (ha!), and a bit rough on the psyche, but it’s so much easier when you have good people around you. And it’s a million times better when you get to party with them at the Pump Room/Public Hotel/Library Bar.

Sorry, but it just is.

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Amy Schumer, You’re My Motherf’ing Hero.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Photo credit: Getty Images

Before you’re all, why did you have to swear in your title (yes, mom, I can hear your voice when I type) I just want everyone to take a not-yoga breath–OMG, those loud ones are so gross–and praise Amy Schumer for winning an Emmy last night.

She didn’t censor herself, starve herself, or really even do her hair that well to do it. Sorry Am, but your hair is always a little messy like mine, and I LOVE it. Who the fuck cares? You won and all those really hungry, perfectly-coiffed girls in the audience didn’t.

Who’s PROM QUEEN the Emmy winner now?!!!

My point? While I’m not saying that I’d prefer my daughter grow up to have a vocab like a truck driver (although, with a mom like me, who the fuck are we kidding), I do hope that she has the guts like Amy to just be herself.

Of course, my daughter is only 5, so we have a lot of time before the real shit hits the adolescent fan. However since you’re never too young to learn a good life lesson, I spend a lot of time talking to my kids about being their own person, especially when it comes to my girl child. I preach about not worrying what friends are “in to” and not caring about what’s hot and what’s not, despite our mutual love of Us Weekly’s style section.

Like many parents, I want my daughter to be a leader and make her own decisions, but I also want her to know what it feels like to make the unpopular choice at times, even if it means not being the coolest cat in town.

Because sometimes, just sometimes, the girl who doesn’t conform ends up on stage holding an Emmy.

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Wait, What? I’m 40?!

Smiling on the outside, aging on everywhere else…happy birthday to me!

Smiling on the outside, aging everywhere else…happy birthday to me!

Here it comes boys and girls. I don’t even have to peddle the wheels on the bike. I’m just coasting down the hill (or over it) to my 40th birthday.

It happens this Labor Day weekend and instead of giving you a long list of items I’ve checked off my bucket list or ways I plan to stay cool and/or relevant given my middle age status, I thought I’d celebrate with deep thoughts by Jo Aaron. Cause I’m mature now.

STOP LAUGHING. That’s better.

Here goes:

I found a random hair the other day (I’m not saying where) and thought, I’m so happy I’m not a supermodel. Obvi, I’ve never thought that thought before, but I’ll bet no one ever tells Gisele if she has a longy spring out of her chin and if you’re a woman, you know why. You’re a jealous bitch, but you totally know why. Don’t worry, you’re never going to be friends with her, so it’s no big deal. It’s not like I’m telling her either.

How lucky is my husband? I’m neither menopausal, nor pregnant, so pretty much for the first time in our marriage, he’s getting non-hormonal Jo. I wonder if he feels like he has a new wife? I wonder if it’s weird having an argument with someone who doesn’t change topic mid-fight? Actually, let’s not share this with him…just in case I feel like being irrational and winning again. You know what I’m talking about. I might want to bring up something he did 10 years ago, and *Ladies Law says I can, so just keep this clarity between us, ok?

I got Botox the other day. Just a bit. From a friend from high school who is my derm. Because I’m old enough to have friends who are my real-life medical doctors with real-life medical degrees from, like, really good schools who have been out of those really good schools for like, a really long time. Because we’re all 40. Yeah, it sucks. But the Botox does not suck. Just ask my 35-to-38-year-old looking face.

My son thinks it’s my 23rd birthday. My daughter thinks I’m going to be 70. Guess who is getting the better birthday present this year?

After 40 years on this earth, I’ve learned so many things. The most important one? Laser hair removal works really well if you just buy the damn package and do the sessions really close together. Seriously. Take it from a once-hairy Jewish girl who made it through the summer without a laser near her bikini line. And no, that’s not a humble brag. That’s a full on Brazilian brag. Just ask my friend Gisele. But don’t you dare mention her chin hair…

*Ladies Law is an amendment in the constitution that basically says women can say whatever, whenever and dudes have to accept it. If your gentleman doesn’t believe me, tell him to go read the entire US Constitution. It’s there. I just can’t remember where, but it is and that’s the end of this argument. 

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New Naked Eye Palette–Now S*%$’s Really Gettin’ Trivial

Urban Decay makeup

Yo, Kimmy from Maine who asked in a comment on my last blog post if my life was trivial, you’re going to LOVE this one…

Guess what’s coming out next month? The newest eye shadow palette from Urban Decay!!! (I’m giving eyeshadow three exclamation points because I don’t have anything to do today!!!)

Yep, Naked Smoky coming’s to a store near you.

You hear that Kimmy??? Lives are going to change.

Because Urban Decay knows that (wo)man cannot be expected to exist on only 3 palettes–namely Naked 1, Naked 2, and Naked 3–they are coming to our rescue with Naked Smoky, and I for one, am waiting on the edge of my well-worn-in couch.

So while I might not lead the most exciting life, as mentioned by my new friend, I will look damn good, with my new smoky, sexy eyes, waiting in line for the bathroom at Starbucks (see my last post.)

Naked Smoky Urban Decay is available on July 8.

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Bathroom Etiquette


Ok, I know you’re used to me writing about totally important things like world events, politics, Nepal and shoes, but today is going to be different.

Today, we’re talking about bathroom etiquette and not of the parent-child training variety.

Here’s the deal:

I spend about 85% of my life at Starbucks. You might think I’m embarrassed about that but I’m so not. It’s warm (in Chicago, I need a place to take shelter from the freezing temps of May), it’s friendly (the SB I work/live at is about .02 miles from my kids’ school, I know every third person who comes through the door), and they have coffee.

If I have to explain that last one, you clearly don’t know what it’s like to live with a java-addiction. Get down with your big, bad caffeine-free self. Go you.

The other thing they have at my favorite Starbucks (besides a free parking lot, which is EVERYTHING!) is a relatively clean bathroom. Ok, do not start posting comments that you sat on the seat and something bad happened to your downstairs area. I do NOT want to hear about it.

What I am saying is the Starbucks staff keeps the bathroom nice and tidy. Said washroom also requires a key. Thankfully.


To the woman who rolled her eyes at me when I said no thank you when you offered to return the bathroom key to the wall where it hangs, as I walked in to the restroom after you came out, let me explain why I refused your services.

If you return the key while I’m in there, it is as if the bathroom is unoccupied and available for someone to just pop on in as I squat over the seat. Now, I don’t want that happening in front of a stranger, do I honey? Even my 5 and 7-year-olds understand that.

However it took you, a 30-something woman, what I felt to be extensive explanation about why it wasn’t really a big deal for you to do it…as I stood with my legs crossed and my bladder filled to the brim with a gigantic Venti blonde roast.

I just wanted to make in peace. Honestly, I get to go to the bathroom by myself so rarely, that I kind of cherish the hours that my kids are in school to do so and don’t expect that I’ll have to spar with a grown woman about how to accomplish that. Just let mama pish, umkay?

So to recap, a hanging key on the wall means that the bathroom is available for anyone to enter. No key, no pee. Got it?

Seriously, do I have to potty train everyone?

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