Wait, What? I’m 40?!


Smiling on the outside, aging on everywhere else…happy birthday to me!
Smiling on the outside, aging everywhere else…happy birthday to me!

Here it comes boys and girls. I don’t even have to peddle the wheels on the bike. I’m just coasting down the hill (or over it) to my 40th birthday.

It happens this Labor Day weekend and instead of giving you a long list of items I’ve checked off my bucket list or ways I plan to stay cool and/or relevant given my middle age status, I thought I’d celebrate with deep thoughts by Jo Aaron. Cause I’m mature now.

STOP LAUGHING. That’s better.

Here goes:

I found a random hair the other day (I’m not saying where) and thought, I’m so happy I’m not a supermodel. Obvi, I’ve never thought that thought before, but I’ll bet no one ever tells Gisele if she has a longy spring out of her chin and if you’re a woman, you know why. You’re a jealous bitch, but you totally know why. Don’t worry, you’re never going to be friends with her, so it’s no big deal. It’s not like I’m telling her either.

How lucky is my husband? I’m neither menopausal, nor pregnant, so pretty much for the first time in our marriage, he’s getting non-hormonal Jo. I wonder if he feels like he has a new wife? I wonder if it’s weird having an argument with someone who doesn’t change topic mid-fight? Actually, let’s not share this with him…just in case I feel like being irrational and winning again. You know what I’m talking about. I might want to bring up something he did 10 years ago, and *Ladies Law says I can, so just keep this clarity between us, ok?

I got Botox the other day. Just a bit. From a friend from high school who is my derm. Because I’m old enough to have friends who are my real-life medical doctors with real-life medical degrees from, like, really good schools who have been out of those really good schools for like, a really long time. Because we’re all 40. Yeah, it sucks. But the Botox does not suck. Just ask my 35-to-38-year-old looking face.

My son thinks it’s my 23rd birthday. My daughter thinks I’m going to be 70. Guess who is getting the better birthday present this year?

After 40 years on this earth, I’ve learned so many things. The most important one? Laser hair removal works really well if you just buy the damn package and do the sessions really close together. Seriously. Take it from a once-hairy Jewish girl who made it through the summer without a laser near her bikini line. And no, that’s not a humble brag. That’s a full on Brazilian brag. Just ask my friend Gisele. But don’t you dare mention her chin hair…

*Ladies Law is an amendment in the constitution that basically says women can say whatever, whenever and dudes have to accept it. If your gentleman doesn’t believe me, tell him to go read the entire US Constitution. It’s there. I just can’t remember where, but it is and that’s the end of this argument. 

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