Bathroom Etiquette


Ok, I know you’re used to me writing about totally important things like world events, politics, Nepal and shoes, but today is going to be different.

Today, we’re talking about bathroom etiquette and not of the parent-child training variety.

Here’s the deal:

I spend about 85% of my life at Starbucks. You might think I’m embarrassed about that but I’m so not. It’s warm (in Chicago, I need a place to take shelter from the freezing temps of May), it’s friendly (the SB I work/live at is about .02 miles from my kids’ school, I know every third person who comes through the door), and they have coffee.

If I have to explain that last one, you clearly don’t know what it’s like to live with a java-addiction. Get down with your big, bad caffeine-free self. Go you.

The other thing they have at my favorite Starbucks (besides a free parking lot, which is EVERYTHING!) is a relatively clean bathroom. Ok, do not start posting comments that you sat on the seat and something bad happened to your downstairs area. I do NOT want to hear about it.

What I am saying is the Starbucks staff keeps the bathroom nice and tidy. Said washroom also requires a key. Thankfully.


To the woman who rolled her eyes at me when I said no thank you when you offered to return the bathroom key to the wall where it hangs, as I walked in to the restroom after you came out, let me explain why I refused your services.

If you return the key while I’m in there, it is as if the bathroom is unoccupied and available for someone to just pop on in as I squat over the seat. Now, I don’t want that happening in front of a stranger, do I honey? Even my 5 and 7-year-olds understand that.

However it took you, a 30-something woman, what I felt to be extensive explanation about why it wasn’t really a big deal for you to do it…as I stood with my legs crossed and my bladder filled to the brim with a gigantic Venti blonde roast.

I just wanted to make in peace. Honestly, I get to go to the bathroom by myself so rarely, that I kind of cherish the hours that my kids are in school to do so and don’t expect that I’ll have to spar with a grown woman about how to accomplish that. Just let mama pish, umkay?

So to recap, a hanging key on the wall means that the bathroom is available for anyone to enter. No key, no pee. Got it?

Seriously, do I have to potty train everyone?

4 thoughts on “Bathroom Etiquette

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