I wasn’t going to do it. I was going to keep my mouth shut.
I didn’t even watch the whole thing because I’m trying to be nicer and not so snarky. I figured what I didn’t know I couldn’t make fun of. But then I went online…and I ended up watching 2-hours of the show and as many after shows I could find.
Of course, I’m talking about Emmy fashion coverage.
Some got it right, like Julia Roberts (POPSUGAR).
That dress and those legs. Wow! But jeez, I wish they would have muted her until she read the actual winning name. Regardless. She got it so, so right.
Anyway there was plenty of wrong, and I’m here to point it out…because it’s so much FUN!!!
I mean, Lena (LATimes). What. The. Fuck. I am a huge Girls fan. So much so that I’ve every episode at least twice but holy cheese-us. It seems unfair of you to claim mental suffering and then wear this. It’s like not wanting to be made fun of for being a Kardashian but posting your ass on every public social media site. It’s just not fair. As far as I’m concerned, if we were friends I’d let you have it for this look, so here goes: Bjork, Andy Dick, and Mood Fabrics called and they don’t want their anything back. They saw your getup and they want you to keep it all for yourself because, damn girl, what the hell??? Are kids actually doing acid these days, because if you tell me you were sober when you picked this look, I cannot imagine what it’s like for you when you actually get wasted.
At least Lena Dunham went the creative route because her contemporaries, like Adam Levine (JustJared), decided to flick off the Television Academy by forgetting to shave and skipping the tie. Ok. We get it. You’re a “rockstar” and a “movie actor” since playing an asshole rockstar in Begin Again. Bet that role was probably a HUGE stretch from who you really are. But as far as being a “TV actor”, please remember, you are a judge on a variety program on TV. You basically give a thumbs up or down on other people’s talent. That’s not acting. I’ve been doing the same thing at home since I started watching Star Search in the 80’s and no one’s inviting me to the Emmys. So throw on a tie and show some respect.
Same goes for you, Johnny Galecki (GQ). Yes, we’re psyched for you that you’re getting paid a king’s ransom per episode on the Big Bang Theory. Just a suggestion–rather than crapping on the Academy by snubbing their fancy party, next time, how about grabbing one of those easy-to-use clip on ties and at least feign humility now that you’re middle aged rather than a bratty child actor? Seems like a small price to pay for the gazillions you make to be a TV star. You’re not saving lives there, buddy.
Oh, Mayim Bialik (Fox News), you made it too easy. I recognize that this fashion choice was a religious one–I know you blogged that as an orthodox Jew, you wanted to look “hot and holy” but holy moly, you missed the mark. Girlfriend you have a great figure! You don’t have to show any skin from neck to ankle in order to check the 30-40 year-old box. Full coverage doesn’t have to mean Boca bubby at a black tie bar mitzvah, but you really took that theme and ran with it, didn’t cha?
I imagine Katherine Heigl sitting at home reading all of the awful things people write about her, chain smoking and swearing up a storm. That’s just how I picture her and if the rumors are correct, it’s going to get real noisy and smoky up in her house because the dress she wore at the Emmys was old-lady-hot-mess-ness. That long peach, quarter-length sleeve
which perfectly covered those chicken wings that old women get when they hit their 30’s, high neck gown was something only Katherine Heigl could have imagined wearing to the Emmys as a little girl. She’s not a total stick in the mud–she did show a little bit of boob and who wouldn’t plotz over a dress with bodice detailing that hits you right smack dab on the nipples, or shall I say, on thy golden globes?! How youthful and glamorous!
Actually, after seeing Katherine and Mayim, I can’t help but wonder if they use the same stylist? Just picture those two spending a day together at their stylist’s condo in West Palm Beach, sitting, ankles crossed, on a paisley velour couch, with their movie-star blue blockers over their eyes, watching models parade around in this season’s geriatric fashions, while munching on nilla wafers and sipping prune juice. G-d! To be young and famous!
I’m not bothering with Kathy Bates (Us Weekly) because that would be like bad mouthing the Pope. If she has a tribal meeting after the awards show, who am I to call her out, right? She’s super famous, so I’m sure she’s really busy. Lots of famous people double book plans.
Heidi Klum. (E! Online) I know she’s probably on a lot of people’s best dressed and I love ZP as much as the next fashionista out there, but let me shed some light here. Imagine if you will, that you are blessed with the body of a goddess. You are so tall that everything you eat goes straight to your hair, your stomach is a flat as Stanley’s (you know, Flat Stanley), those hip bones that everyone claims makes people look borderline anorexic simply make you look like a total supermodel, because you are in fact, a supermodel, yet, on one of the hottest nights in Hollywood you decide to cover up all of your gorgeousness in melon fabric so no one can identify the lines of your figure. Oh yeah, and then you have wings on your sleeves so you actually look like an angel in case people forget that you model for Victoria’s Secret because in this dress, there’s no way people will remember you are a model. A bolt of fabric, absolutely, but a model? Not so much.
The rest of the worst are yours to look up…my where’s your-honor-able mentions include:
Christina Hendricks, Laura Prepon, Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, and Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting