Today I was thinking of the different jobs I could do if I wasn’t driving my kids around all day long. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being a mom, but after braving the winter weather and streets paved with snow, slush and ice, maybe it would be nice if I could be:
The front desk clerk at the Boulders Spa in Carefree, AZ.
I might not make a killing in terms of my salary, but first off, I’d live in Carefree, so I can’t imagine I’d have much stress, and second, my whole job would be to lead people to their spa treatments. Telling people to walk down the hall to an afternoon of massages and flute-y spa music has to be better than circling a neighborhood for 35 minutes in my car, trying to find a parking spot so I can run into a building for 45 seconds just to drop off the kids. I should mention that I just returned from the Boulders, and if you don’t book a trip for yourself, you’re a fool. No, sorry, a DAMN fool. There, I said my peace. Namaste, third eye and all that other relaxing BS.
Performing as Elsa at Disney World.
Or any Disney princess for that matter, except for Pocahontas. No one was looking for her, so I don’t want to be her, but I’d be any of the other really popular princesses. Ok, so I’d have to hug other people’s kids all day long–or night depending on my shift–but that would be ok, because my whole job would be to dress up like a drag queen in full hair and makeup, get my picture taken like a celebrity and have people wait hours and hours to meet me. Would I love that? Um, hello, have you met me? The only thing better in my world would to actually BE a celebrity.
Since I wasn’t smart enough to come up with Über myself, I’ll be an Über driver.
The only thing that sucks about being a carpooling mama is that no one pays me to do it–and having to listen to the Frozen soundtrack over and over and over and over…But those Über dudes know a thing or two about carting people around town. They glide about town in stylish black SUVs that are always totally spotless, unlike my own black SUV that is completely covered in crumbs, tiny toy pieces, ripped up artwork, stickers, and anything else my kids can think to leave in the backseat. And guess what? If someone pukes in an Über car, there’s an additional charge. And guess what? If someone throws up in mine, it’s just tough shit for mommy. And 9 times out of 10, it’s all over mommy, so there’s that too. Yeah, Über is definitely something to consider.
Become an online grocery delivery person.
Hey, I have to the store a few times this week anyway, so again, I might as well make some dough. Actually, I go to a bunch of grocery stores a million times a week anyway, because g-d forbid should I be able to get my family everything it needs in one place. Stop me if this sounds familiar: Our produce and dairy comes from Whole Foods because we only eat organic (wouldn’t want to stunt the kids’ growth) but I can’t get the crappier food from the seemingly healthy store, so it’s off to Jewel or Mariano’s for canned soup, ketchup, maybe some Splenda (OMG, wouldn’t the Whole Foods baggers with the piercing in their cheeks just totally HATE me?!!!) and fishy crackers (whatever, the kids are Jewish and most likely to be short anyway) and then onto the fish market because if it doesn’t come from a fish-specific market we’ll get Jeremy Piven-poisoning and finally, it’s off to the tiny local food shop down the street that has 4 items in it that makes me feel like I’m supporting the neighborhood and that I’ll eventually be able to sell my house because our area will be desirable because I bought $10 bread. So see, I should deliver groceries to people, right?
Those are just a few off the top of my head, but I think for now, I’m going to stick with the mommy thing and freelance writing however I’m definitely considering that Elsa gig…
What would be your ideal job if you had to pick one?