Grammy Uncoverage

I wasn’t going to be the blogger who posted each time an award show airs, but since I watch as part of my real job, I have to say something about what’s going on on my TV right now. To start off, I’m watching Fuse News with Alexa Chung (who is so desperately thin, she looks like she’d like to eat one of the celebrities she’s interviewing) and some other dude, on the red carpet of the Grammys because my cable is out so we’re getting spotty channel coverage. I’m a huge celeb junkie, so I’m pairing Fuse (which by the way is the WORST interviewing I’ve ever seen ever–literally) with online photos and I only have one thing to say. Gross.

First, JLo, what the F!!! You do realize that you’re having a mid-life crisis in front of the entire world, right? Seriously, combine your outfit from back in the day (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you probably don’t know who Jennifer Lopez is), your Jolie copycat dress from tonight, and that nude/crystal bodysuit that you love wearing on stage, and basically, we all know what you look like naked. Listen, it’s great that you think you can pull this dress off, and I love hate to be the one to tell you but there is a picture of you on Yahoo! in your current dress that shows a little celli. I’m not slamming you for having cellulite. Everyone has it–skinny, little model girls get cellulite. But if you have it, maybe cover it up with a dress that has a hem that’s a touch longer than your right butt check. But that’s just my opinion.

The second thing I notice is that there are four main categories of dress at the Grammys:

  • Dirty. Just rolled out of bed, don’t give a crap, people will think I’m cool because I’m so important, I don’t even need to shower before I show up to a televised red carpet event. People that fall in this category include Jack Black, Skrillex (whoever that is), Deadmau5 (again–who???), and, heartbreakingly, Mumford & Sons–because my kids love them.
  • Confused. Where am I? There are so many people who look like they are trying to get into a club instead of mugging for the paps, like that Big Bang Theory chick (why is she there?) She’s in a blazer and leather leggings. I wore the same thing to a parents night out event for my kids’ preschool. Even I probably would have changed into something a little more Grammys and a little less mom-actually-gets-a-childless-night-out-to-drink-wine. Again, that’s just me. It also pains me to say this, because I love her, but the outfit that Beyonce is wearing would have been my second choice for my parents’ night out. Just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean you have to fire your stylist or wear high waisted tight pants that give you a camel toe. No, B, it’s quite the opposite!
  • Weird for the sake of being weird. There’s so much trying going on on the red carpet, I’m getting exhausted just watching these people try so hard to make it seem like being different is normal for them. Weirdo highlights include FUN. for wearing PeeWee Herman teeny, tiny skinny trouser suits that hit right around their delicate, sock-free ankles. I have to say, one dude in this look might have passed for ‘they’re weird but whatever’ but the trio of peddle pusher suits-on-men makes them look boy band-ish, and also makes me so happy that I’m not dating anymore because, if this is what men think is attractive to women, I’d be very single. About 80% of the rest of the crowd looks totally weirdo, even including Katy Perry, who I bet thought she was mainstreaming more than usual for her, but just looks like a mint green version of Morticia Addams. She also happens to look pretty pissed, so I have to assume she’s angry with boyfriend John Mayer because, well, he’s John Mayer.
  • Overdressed. It’s the Grammys, not the Oscars. White, flowing chiffon has no place on the red carpet, but no one called Taylor Swift to tell her. Or they did, but Taylor didn’t answer because she’s laying low since being called out for publicly humiliating every single male she’s ever dated. Taylor’s dress is gorge, but it’s just the wrong time. Don’t worry TayTay! With a track record like yours, you’re bound to be a bride enough times to wear a hefty number of long, white dresses. Ok, and now I have to deal with Rihanna–I love red, I love the peek-a-boos. I love the dress but I’m so confused (so you can also be placed in category #2.) You don’t even leave your house to hit up the grocery store without wearing some totally bizarre outfit, but now, for the Grammys of all places, you’re going ladylike? I just don’t get it. And by the way, if you have any intentions of standing next to your abuser boyfriend, who is in all white, you will look like you’re on your way to a Schaumburg prom.

So now’s the part of the post where I get to do my best and worst picks.

Best is easy for me–Jordyn Blum Grohl (Dave Grohl’s wife). She is wearing the black and white Marc Jacobs dress that almost brought me to tears the first time I saw it (in the Spring runway show, if you care.) Jordyn looks perfect. Period. Also, I think the Doogie Howsers look so fantastic. I’m just throwing that out there.

The worst is–OMG–where to start?

Since it’s not really fair to compare this crowd, I’m splitting the category into the worst dressed real-celebrity-so-you-should-know-better and the worst dressed D-lister. So the worst dressed real celeb award goes to-I hate this, but I have to do it-Adele. Darling, you’re supposed to walk the red carpet, not wear it! And the final worst dressed D-lister award goes to Lisa D’Amato. I…I…I just don’t know what to say. I think you wanted to be edgy-weird and Swiss Miss-y but it just makes me want to puke.

What about you? Who were your best and worst dressed?

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