Author Archives: joleslieaaron

Jason Segel Says I Can Be 39 For 5 More Years. So I Love Him Even More Now.


ilovejason-250x250

I interviewed Jason Segel on the phone today. You know, Marshall, the adorable guy from How I Met Your Mother. Of I Love You, Man. Or the sweet, child-at-heart man who wrote and starred in The Muppets. The one who voices Vector in Despicable Me. The trainer in This is 40, aka. Jason, who played the same role in Knocked Up? One of my favorite freak and/or geek in Freaks and Geeks?

You know who I’m talking about. And before you ask, yes, he was just as sweet and smart and funny and adorable as you’d imagine…and yes, I know I’m married.

I also recognize that Jason is most likely not interested in a middle-aged mom with two kids who drives carpool and wears Gap jeans, even if they are the skinny jeggings and paired with Fendi boots. As far as Jason’s concerned, all of my jeans are mom jeans. This is my truth.

But I have a movie star-crush on this particular actor and it took everything not to come out and tell him. That would not have been professional.

Ok, maybe I did kind of gush a bit but more in an yenta way, than a Tiger Beat way, so I know for certain I did not freak him out.

I can say this much, Jason Segel is not sitting at home writing a blog post about me right now. I am actually willing to bet money that Jason Segel hung up the phone after our interview and immediately forgot my name. But that’s ok, because he’s busy (and handsome and tall) and I got to interview him. For work, of course. I’m not a weirdo, people. My job required me to speak to Jason on the phone and ask him all kinds of questions. I know. My job freaking rules.ilovejason-250x250

I learned a lot about Jason that you’ll have to read about in my article on RedTricycle when it comes out in a few weeks but here’s a teaser…after telling Jason that I’m 39 during some pre-interview conversation, he told me that he’s learned that I can be 39 for as long as I want.

I mean, how sweet is that? My husband, who is the love of my life, would definitely tell me to own my 39 years–and to gracefully admit to the next one that’s looming. “39 is 39, and you can’t escape 40,” I’m going to assume he’d say.* (You know you would, my sweet love. Who are we kidding?)

However my pretend boyfriend, Jason, feels like if I never want to hit the big 4-0, I’m not hurting anyone. I’ll admit, I’ve never run from numbers before, but Jason makes me feel like I might as well and considering I had to buy reading glasses this week, I think I’m going to stay 39 for as long as Jason said I could.

So it just felt right when I asked him…

“Are you trying to make me like you more than I already do, or what?”

He laughed. Jason Segel laughed at my joke.

Talk about a meet cute!

ilovejason-250x250*For the record, my husband is the only person I’d ever make up pretend quotes for. All other persons are quoted with complete accuracy. As my husband would probably say, “I’m pretty sure I never said that.” Oh, I love him so much!

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I Love New York!


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I was lucky enough to go to NY to celebrate my best friend’s birthday. I packed up and left the fam at home (sorry, loves!) from Thursday thru Monday. Yes, it was Rosh HaShana, but they say G-d doesn’t care where you pray from, even Bergdorf’s, so stop judging.

And speaking of shopping, I may have done a little. I didn’t buy that much (no, seriously husband, I didn’t) but I did spend an entire day in SoHo weaving in and out of some of the most glorious boutiques in NYC.

However before shopping, we made a quick, relaxing stop by White Tea Med Spa for rejuvenating facials. Because when you’re about to do a day of couture-ial damage, you have to either have a full face of professionally applied make-up so you can get the complete vision or be able to say, “I know, I look awful. I just had a facial,” so that the salespeople can tell you that you’re crazy and that you look amazing without a stitch of anything on your face.

To set the record straight, I only fished for those compliments in the stores with obnoxious, florescent lighting. Honestly, if they’re going to install elementary school lighting in a dressing room, they need to be prepared for sad shoppers who need ego boosts, even if it’s coming from a 40-year-old hipster sales dude with a mohawk, wearing skinny pedal pushers and a flannel shirt that would fit my kindergartener.

Hey, I’ll take sweet talk where I can get it, right ladies?

I really hit the jackpot at Proenza Schouler. Unfortunately I didn’t purchase anything there (yet, I didn’t buy anything yet…they can always ship to Chicago), but the adorable salesperson had these awesome designs on her nails that matched this season’s dress pattern. I freaked over them as she told me where to go–some random market in the Village–I feel cool just saying it–called Akiko Nails.

Ok, I have to say, they did such a stunning job on my nails, that I’m struggling with giving out the name, just in case the next time I’m in NY I am unable to get an appointment. Yeah, it was that amazing.

nail art, manicure, fingers, polish

The nail tech did the whole thing freehand. I know. Your mind has been blown.

Back to shopping. Staying away from all of the stores we have in Chicago, I always limit my shopping experience to stuff we can’t get here–or that I can only see online but never try on aka. Kirna Zabete where I found an uber-fab Veronica Beard blazer that I will be making a statement in all fall, winter and spring as soon as it arrives at my home.

I’m too cheap to pay United for overweight luggage, so I had everything shipped. Shockingly, or embarrassing–however United wants to view it–it was still cheaper to ship from a bunch of different stores than try to sneak them aboard, so I’m just saying…

The topper on the weekend of “mommy NEVER gets to do this at home” came on Sunday night, when my friend and I attended a taping of Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live. I’ve heard the urban legends that you have to come to studio blindfolded or that they pick you up from one location and drive you to the studio so that you don’t really know where it, or you, are. However, I can assure you, Andy Cohen doesn’t give a boo-ha if people know where the studio is because you are NOT getting through security if you are not specifically invited to be there. That being said, I’m not telling you where it is. I will in no way jeopardize my new best friendship with Andy. Not for you. Not for no one.

Once we stepped into the office that leads to the studio where the show is shot, we were greeted by a handsome and energetic bartender. Immediately. You could tell that they were very pro-alcohol at this taping. And I was happy to do my part to be the best audience member I could be by sipping a Mazel (something, something and vodka-check the menu) Anything for my Andy:

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Like other tapings I had been to, we were ushered in by “party,” as in the Beth party and let me tell you, if you are going to make an appearance at WWHL, you want to be a part of the Beth party. Um, we were seated in the first two seats smack dab in the front of what would soon be Rita Wilson and Jacqueline Laurita’s guest seats.

Look how close I am!

Look how close I am!

 

Oh, did I forget to say that Andy was about 8 feet away from me? And he talked to me? They might as well have walked me out of the studio and onto the airplane to go home after that. My trip was complete.

Of course, after coming down from my WWHL high, I did manage to do some unselfish shopping following two days of SoHo and almost 3-hours in Bergdorf’s (which, by the way, has a delish cafe on the basement level when you finally remember that you’ve been running in and out of stores for 48-hours and probably should put something in your system that doesn’t have a Starbucks logo on it) for my kids.

We hit up Economy Candy on the Lower East Side which was any kid’s dream come true. Just a fantastic wholesale candy store with everything. I even found vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle trading cards for my son who is a TMNT freak! Yes, the gum was stale and yes, I’m calling them vintage because to admit that they are from my elementary school years just makes me feel crazy old. Actually, calling myself vintage, which sounds nicer, actually makes me want to hightail it back to White Tea Med Spa to see what those geniuses can do about turning back time on my face without getting doctors and needles involved, you know?

Check out some of my favorite NYC spots:

Chelsea Flower Market. Ever go down there? If you like flowers, actually, if you like anything pretty, just get up early and take a walk around there even if you’re not in the market for a bouquet of your own. The whole street (28th) smells amazing–ok, you can still smell NYC gutter–but step foot into one wholesale flower shop and you’re instantly swallowed up by gorgeous scents from all over the globe. It’s not to be missed but the early bird gets the worm, so don’t sleep in because the good stuff’s pretty much gone and some shops even close by 11AM on Saturdays. You would too if you started getting shipments in at 1AM.

Kirna Zabete. Sure, I was spending money which is the best kind of customer to have, but this store is one incredibly curated mix of high-end and up-and-coming designer clothing, shoes and accessories that actually makes you feel welcome. As far as they concerned, acting like customers aren’t good enough to browse their goods might work for fancy-smancy stores in the neighborhood, but it’s just not their bag. And baby, they have good bags! Ask for Everest. He’s super excellent and will style you up like a Hollywood starlet even if you’re just a plain Jane mom like me.

Toys-R-Us-Time Square. But Jo, it’s just a Toys-R-Us. Oh, you’re wrong. You’re so wrong. I mean, unless your local TRU has a 60-foot Ferris wheel in the middle of the store, a million floors of almost any toy your kids could possibly want, and so much more. I’m just saying. It’s not the same.

Eloise at the Plaza. Ok, she doesn’t really live there. The 6-year-old me finally got over that. But the Plaza certainly figured out how to make it seem like she does. With a fabulous all-Eloise, all-the-time shop on the lower level, complete with a party room if you feeling like spoiling your child and her friends with a Rawther Fancy Tea. For super fans, they even sell the Eloise costume. I have a feeling my daughter is going to force that one on me next week when I take her to the Big Apple for the first time, but it’s so cute, she won’t have to twist my arm.

Balthazar Restaurant. I always eat there. Always. The food is delicious, the atmosphere is romantic yet energetic, and I love checking out the street art while I wait for a table because you always have to wait–no matter how important you think you are. I went there on my first business trip to NY from LA in my 20’s and I still go back almost every time I’m in town.

More pics from the trip…you might see a famous face or two:

 

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Post Emmy Fashion Coverage-Because I Have To.


2014 Emmys

I wasn’t going to do it. I was going to keep my mouth shut.

I didn’t even watch the whole thing because I’m trying to be nicer and not so snarky. I figured what I didn’t know I couldn’t make fun of. But then I went online…and I ended up watching 2-hours of the show and as many after shows I could find.

Of course, I’m talking about Emmy fashion coverage. 

Some got it right, like Julia Roberts (POPSUGAR).

Julia Roberts, Emmys, Awards

That dress and those legs. Wow! But jeez, I wish they would have muted her until she read the actual winning name. Regardless. She got it so, so right.

 

Anyway there was plenty of wrong, and I’m here to point it out…because it’s so much FUN!!!

I mean, Lena (LATimes). What. The. Fuck. I am a huge Girls fan. So much so that I’ve every episode at least twice but holy cheese-us. It seems unfair of you to claim mental suffering and then wear this. It’s like not wanting to be made fun of for being a Kardashian but posting your ass on every public social media site. It’s just not fair. As far as I’m concerned, if we were friends I’d let you have it for this look, so here goes: Bjork, Andy Dick, and Mood Fabrics called and they don’t want their anything back. Lena 2014 EmmysThey saw your getup and they want you to keep it all for yourself because, damn girl, what the hell??? Are kids actually doing acid these days, because if you tell me you were sober when you picked this look, I cannot imagine what it’s like for you when you actually get wasted.

At least Lena Dunham went the creative route because her contemporaries, like Adam Levine (JustJared), decided to flick off the Television Academy by forgetting to shave and skipping the tie. Ok. We get it. You’re a “rockstar” and a “movie actor” since playing an asshole rockstar in Begin Again. Bet that role was probably a HUGE stretch from who you really are. Adam Levine 2014 EmmysBut as far as being a “TV actor”, please remember, you are a judge on a variety program on TV. You basically give a thumbs up or down on other people’s talent. That’s not acting. I’ve been doing the same thing at home since I started watching Star Search in the 80’s and no one’s inviting me to the Emmys. So throw on a tie and show some respect.

Same goes for you, Johnny Galecki (GQ). Yes, we’re psyched for you that you’re getting paid a king’s ransom per episode on the Big Bang Theory. Just a suggestion–rather than crapping on the Academy by snubbing their fancy party, next time, how about grabbing one of those easy-to-use clip on ties and at least feign humility now GQ, Johnny Galecki, Emmys, Awardsthat you’re middle aged rather than a bratty child actor? Seems like a small price to pay for the gazillions you make to be a TV star. You’re not saving lives there, buddy.

Who’s next?

Oh, Mayim Bialik (Fox News), you made it too easy. I recognize that this fashion choice was a religious one–I know you blogged that as an orthodox Jew, you wanted to look “hot and holy” but holy moly, you 503306591TM00116_66th_Annuamissed the mark. Girlfriend you have a great figure! You don’t have to show any skin from neck to ankle in order to check the 30-40 year-old box. Full coverage doesn’t have to mean Boca bubby at a black tie bar mitzvah, but you really took that theme and ran with it, didn’t cha?

I imagine Katherine Heigl sitting at home reading all of the awful things people write about her, chain smoking and swearing up a storm. That’s just how I picture her and if the rumors are correct, it’s going to get real noisy and smoky up in her house Katherine Heigl 2014 Emmysbecause the dress she wore at the Emmys was old-lady-hot-mess-ness. That long peach, quarter-length sleeve which perfectly covered those chicken wings that old women get when they hit their 30’s, high neck gown was something only Katherine Heigl could have imagined wearing to the Emmys as a little girl. She’s not a total stick in the mud–she did show a little bit of boob and who wouldn’t plotz over a dress with bodice detailing that hits you right smack dab on the nipples, or shall I say, on thy golden globes?! How youthful and glamorous! 

Actually, after seeing Katherine and Mayim, I can’t help but wonder if they use the same stylist? Just picture those two spending a day together at their stylist’s condo in West Palm Beach, sitting, ankles crossed, on a paisley velour couch, with their movie-star blue blockers over their eyes, watching models parade around in this season’s geriatric fashions, while munching on nilla wafers and sipping prune juice. G-d! To be young and famous!

I’m not bothering with Kathy Bates (Us Weekly) because that would be like bad mouthing the Pope. If she has a tribal meeting after the Jason LaVeris/FilmMagicawards show, who am I to call her out, right? She’s super famous, so I’m sure she’s really busy. Lots of famous people double book plans. 

Heidi Klum. (E! Online) I know she’s probably on a lot of people’s best dressed and I love ZP as much as the next fashionista out there, but let me shed some light here. Imagine if you will, that you are blessed with the body of a goddess. You are so tall that everything you eat goes straight to your hair, your stomach is a flat as Stanley’s (you know, Flat Stanley), those hip bones that everyone claims makes people look borderline anorexic simply make you look like a total supermodel, because you are in fact, a supermodel, yet, on one Jason Merritt/Getty Imagesof the hottest nights in Hollywood you decide to cover up all of your gorgeousness in melon fabric so no one can identify the lines of your figure. Oh yeah, and then you have wings on your sleeves so you actually look like an angel in case people forget that you model for Victoria’s Secret because in this dress, there’s no way people will remember you are a model. A bolt of fabric, absolutely, but a model? Not so much.

The rest of the worst are yours to look up…my where’s your-honor-able mentions include: 

Christina Hendricks, Laura Prepon, Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, and Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Ode to Summer’s End…


Can someone get Britney a wipe? Photo by Celebritysweating.com

Can someone get Britney a wipe?
Photo by Celebritysweating.com

Oh, summer, how I will miss thee.

You help me get to places on time,

‘cause no coats and boots mean my kids don’t whine.

Each time that the sun is shining and out,

at crappy drivers, I need not shout.

And even when my boob sweat’s on display,

I think back to winter, being frozen all day.

Suddenly those rings ’round my breasts

remind me why summer is simply the best!

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The Ice Queen Arrives…No, This Is Not A Biography.


When we took our family to Disney World in February, a guide in the park told us in a hushed voice that the Frozen Princesses would be arriving in Hollywood Studios on Friday or Saturday of our trip.

We were elated! Ok, I was elated. To be honest, I’m not sure I would want to be married to a man who gets excited about the Frozen princesses, but that’s a different topic.

So there I we were psyched that I we had the DL on where the hottest princesses would be the weekend of our trip. After all, these ladies are like the Kardashians of Disney World. We were ready to stalk like paparazzi.

But sadly, nothing was going to get us pictures with these girls. Not press credentials, not insider info (which were bunk as those snowy beotches never made it to Hollywood Studios), and not even standing in line.

Because the line was 6-hours long at Epcot and that’s where I draw my there’s-nothing-I-wouldn’t-do-for-my-babies line. Yeah. My selfishness runneth over. I’m not standing in a 6-hour line for any princess…not even my own.

Sorry toots.

However the silver lining for families about to slap down the massive amounts of cash it costs to take the kids to Disney to see the Frozen chicks?

AN ENTIRE FROZEN WORLD IS COMING TO HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS! And it’s not just the princesses, but their friends too, starting July 5th.

Finally, they’re opening up the gates and it all sounds really cool…

Disney’s Hollywood Studios Gets Frozen This Summer!

Frozen, Elsa, Anna, Disney, Let It Go

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It’s My Hair And I’ll Wash If I Want To


hairstyle, blowout, mom, parenting, working

Who needs sleep when there’s hair to do?

I’m growing out my bangs. I know, alert the media!

Like it or not, I have the infuriating task of having to wash and blow-dry my hair everyday or risk looking like I ran a marathon. And considering I’m still working on the early stages of the Couch-to-5K app, I assure you, I have not run a marathon. However, the bangs play a big role in that annoying bit of daily grooming and I’m hoping without them, I’ll get to skip washing my hair every day and move to every other day–or at least to dry shampoo.

Ladies, you know you get where I’m coming from–especially those of you who “have to catch an early train, got to be to work by nine” (I love the Bangles!) or those who are racing to get kids who move at a glacial pace to school on time every morning.

So maybe this piece that I originally wrote for Elizabeth Street will explain why I’m doing what I’m doing, and the next time you see me and my clean, yet way-overgrown bangs, but can’t see my eyes, you’ll understand.

Why I Wash My Hair Everyday, And You Just Have To Get Over It!

I wash my hair everyday. Now I know what you’re going to say, because I’ve heard it before…

But it’s so bad for your hair!!!

Yes, I know. And yes, I know there are a million things I could do to avoid washing my hair everyday. And YES, I KNOW that you don’t have to wash yours everyday which means you save the 30-minutes I spend washing and drying every morning. And, oh yeah, I’m totally jealous of you for that!

That said, when it comes to my own hair, it must be washed daily and you are going to have to get over it. So why does it bother you so much to hear that?

I swear I’ve tried everything–the dry shampoos, just washing my bangs in the sink, baby powders, hair powders, silk pillowcases, and washing the night before. I’ve put in the legwork and it always ends the same way—me futzing with my hair for hours trying to make it look clean, ultimately, giving up, and showering and blow drying, like I should have in the first place.

Please know that I’m not complaining about my hair. I actually really like it, despite the upkeep. But it requires a good washing everyday for a few reasons:

  • I have bangs and anyone who has bangs knows that they get nasty after being slept on. When I was a little girl, my mom used to put a piece of hair tape across them each night, so they didn’t have to be blown out each morning. That may have worked on the 6-year-old me, but not the 38-year-old one. Plus my poor husband has already gone from seeing me come to bed in silky nighties to old t-shirts…the man’s been through enough.
  • They say women’s hair gets drier with age, but I swear mine is getting oilier. By mid-morning, I need a good brushing to redistribute oils through my hair so I don’t look too like a pre-teen, so you can imagine how I wake up. Washing is the only thing that does the trick.
  • I don’t mean to sounds cruel, but most of the time, I can tell when you haven’t washed your hair for a week. I know you think no one can tell, but friend, you ain’t fooling anyone. Sorry, but dirty hair is extremely hard to pull off and only works on people like Johnny Depp, a few 90’s super models, and, um, that’s it. 

After all, friends don’t let friends walk around with greasy hair. That’s the saying, right? Or friends don’t let friends’ tresses be messes? How about, friends don’t let friends’ do’s look like don’ts. I could go on, but I have to save my strength for my wash and dry.

 

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Go See The Wizard of Oz–The Play, Not The Man, Silly…


Broadway, Chicago, Wizard of Oz, theater

I’ll admit, there are some fabulous perks to my job. One of them? Invites to lovely going-ons in the city and beyond.

Such was the case on Thursday night when I was invited with a guest to view Broadway in Chicago’s latest show, The Wizard of Oz at the Cadillac Palace Theatre.

My obvious plus one? My Dorothy-obsessed 4-year-old daughter, of course! Since my son isn’t a fan of musical theater–or theatre for my fellow drama geeks–he was happy to stay home with his Legos and let us have our mommy/daughter night out.

We started off the evening at a fancy dinner for 2 at Hugo’s Frog Bar. Our reservation was set for 5:30 and we were running on JST (Jewish Standard Time)–which is code for never on time. Everyone knows this, right? We had about five minutes to get at least 10-minutes away, and three minutes into that trip, I realized I didn’t have my iPhone with me.

So I gave my daughter a choice–we could go home, skip the fancy dinner, grab the phone so we could take pictures (and I could social media the crap out of our night together) and we could eat at Rock-n-Roll McDonald’s (one of her favs) OR we could be phoneless, yet, fancy at Hugo’s.

She opted to be fancy and out of touch. After all, she was decked out in her Dorothy costume, complete with lipgloss. And the girl NEVER gets to wear makeup outside of our house. N.E.V.E.R.

Once we arrived at the restaurant and I apologized profusely for being a few minutes late, they seated us at table number such-and-such…I heard them say something about, “she’ll love it”.

They couldn’t have been any righter on-er.

Turns out the booth is actually in an old-fashion elevator. How I’d been there a million times and never noticed this booth, I’ll never know, but it was awesome. And then they overdid the awesomeness. To top off our delicious meal, the waitress brought out an enormous hot fudge sundae and said that the restaurant wanted Dorothy to enjoy her special evening. She followed up the explanation with an apology for the sugar-rush that was sure to follow. Hey, no one has to apologize for giving my family free ice-cream. Especially free chocolate-covered ice-cream.

Fortunately, we ran into a friend of ours on the way out of the restaurant who was eating dinner at a normal time and offered to take our picture. So here’s what my mini-Dorothy looked like:

Wizard of Oz, theater, Hugo's, Chicago

Mommy Daughter GNO

Next, it was onto the Cadillac for the show. Our energy was high, potty breaks were taken, and we were ready! The lights went down, the music started and my daughter jumped onto my lap and BEGGED me to leave…

PLEASE MOMMY, I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

I had to stay strong. I knew she was going to love the show. So Mean Mommy put her back in her seat, held her hand and rubbed her leg as the show started.

And you know what? She absolutely love it. The entire thing. So much so that she asked me if we could watch it again the minute it was over. I had to explain that the play wasn’t like a DVD.

So here are some things you need to know about Broadway in Chicago’s The Wizard of Oz if you are going with young kids:

  • Take snacks. You can bring food into the theater, so throw a few easy snacks in your bag and avoid spending a fortune at the lobby bar. My friend suggested lollipops–after all, your little munchkin might enjoy one too.
  • Use the bathrooms downstairs at the Cadillac. Don’t bother standing in the line on the main level for the two single washrooms. That’s an accident waiting to happen.
  • The show is funnier than it is scary but if you have a child who scares easily, you might want to think it through. The wicked witch was very funny–I made sure to tell my daughter from the get go that her hair looked like an onion to make her laugh, in an effort to take away any fear, and it worked–but there are some scary parts like when the Wizard of Oz sings a song on a giant screen. My daughter didn’t seem to mind it but I was wishing that my husband wasn’t out of town that night.
  • It’s not an adult play or a kid’s play. There was something for everyone. My daughter laughed so hard, I actually had to tell her to reign it in a bit so the ushers wouldn’t ask us to leave. Ok, I didn’t do that, but she was hysterical. And I loved the friend of Dorothy jokes and the witch’s digs, so it was all good.
  • You may need to explain that some actors play dual roles in the play. For instance, my daughter was wondering why the farmhands came out to bow at the end but the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion didn’t. It led to a good conversation about Dorothy’s dream, but just be prepared.
  • If you wear a costume to the see the show, everyone is going to call you by that character’s name. My daughter didn’t understand why everyone was calling her Dorothy, however I can promise you, it will not keep her from leaving the house in full costume the next time the opportunity presents itself. Like when we go out for Mother’s Day brunch. Or to the park.

 

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Oh No! Like Mother, Like Daughter?


Bono, U2, One Tree Hill, music, song

When Bono sings, we listen.

Why do kids think that moms and dads love being in the car? Don’t they know how much we dread driving? At least they can kick back and watch an iPad in the backseat. We can’t take our eyes off the road for a second.

So we were pretty psyched when U2’s One Tree Hill came on the radio when we were driving back from the burbs on Sunday. For the next 3-ish minutes, my husband and I rocked out to the awesomeness that is Bono and the gang.

*However our 4-year-old daughter wasn’t having it. She sounded off in her normal voice, calling me with that mom, mommy, mama-nagging that makes mothers want to change their nickname to almost anything else.

Then came the shouting, because if I wasn’t answering her, clearly it was because I couldn’t hear her calling me from the backseat.

Next was the questioning, you know, the why aren’t you listening to me’s.

Still, we continued to bop with big, goofy smiles on our faces. I think I even grabbed the stubby lighter from the car ashtray and waved it above my head at one point, but that must have really set her off because she bellowed this out like Real Housewife of New Jersey…

“I’m about to lose my SHIT!”

We stopped car dancing right there and then. My husband looked at me and I looked right back at him. After we finally stopped laughing, I couldn’t help but wonder where she heard that one? What horrible people had she been hanging around with who speak like that?

Of course, I’m putting my money on the little girl at the park in the pink faux leather jacket who looks like she could be part of a neighborhood scooter gang, because it certainly is NOT me.

No fucking way.

It is not me.

*Just to be clear, she didn’t actually need anything and was just calling me because I was having fun dancing and singing in case anyone wants to question my parenting skills. Actually, go for it. I’m too exhausted from all that car dancing to fight back. 

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Come On, Lego My Husband!


Lego, toy, game

My husband leaves me at night to play with toys.

Yes folks, I am a Lego Widow.

Tonight, as we sat at dinner, my son excitedly showed off 5 out of the 300 sets of Legos that he received for his birthday that our nanny was kind enough to put together for him today. He was so into it–showing us who each character was, how he or she moved, what each vehicle could do, yada, yada, yada.

My husband, who stayed home sick for the first time in forever because he could barely swallow, turned to my son and whispered the following…

“Go downstairs to the playroom, pick out a Lego set and I’ll put it together for you tonight.”

What an asshole a sweetheart!!! Here are my reasons why:

#1. The man is sick. He needs to not be sick. He needs to not be playing Lego. (Fun fact: The plural of Lego is Lego.)

#2. The man is a fantastic father. He has nothing to prove. Putting together a Lego set wouldn’t have furthered his cause. He’s already won the Father of the Year Award by changing diapers, getting thrown up on, rubbing backs, driving carpool, making up silly songs, playing tag, trying really, really hard to braid pigtails, and spending hours upon hours building Lego sets. Some call it overachieving. Others, showing off. The kids and I know we’re super lucky, but sometimes, I wish the man would just take a break.

#3. Selfish mommy/wife really wanted to watch one of the DVR’ed shows but if he doesn’t finish soon, I’m going to watch something without him…and I might be annoyed enough to delete an episode of The Following “by accident.”

Here’s the deal. He claims playing Legos* is relaxing, but honestly, with all the f-bombs he’s dropping, does this look relaxing to you:

lego, dad, instruction, game, toy

 

Lego, dad, instructions, game, toy      lego, toy, dad, game, instruction   I suppose at the end of the day, or night in this case, if it makes my boy(s) happy, there are worse things I could lose my man to than Lego, like ultimate frisbee or those people who act out Game of Thrones in real life. They’d probably make me sew costumes in that case and then my night would be ruined too.

At least I’m not doing any manual labor for this Lego thing, and even I can admit the end result is kind of awesome…

lego, movie, awesome, will farrell

 *Because I’m a megabitch, I insist on calling it “playing Legos” because it annoys my husband endlessly. He feels that by referring to it as something you play, it diminishes the skill that goes into building the sets. Whatever. I think it’s hysterical!

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President Obama and I Shop Together


Obama, the Gap, shopping, minimum wage

Daddy bought presents at the Gap. I’m going to score SO many points with my family when I get home!

Considering my daily uniform is typically running pants and a workout shirt and Obama’s is usually a gorgeous custom-tailored suit and tie, I have to admit, I was a little surprised to find out we both shop at the Gap.

Ok, fine. POTUS probably doesn’t binge shop regularly for 1969 broken-in skinny jeans and GapFit long sleeve Motion shirts with the little thumby holes like I do.

However, on Tuesday, March 11, President Obama stopped by one of their Midtown NYC stores to promote a minimum wage campaign that’s designed to inspire business owners to increase the minimum wage for U.S. workers. So he was there. Just like I am often sometimes.

While the President basically posed for photo ops and offered up one-liners for the media, he did manage to pick out a few super-duper conservative pieces for the fam (He refused v-necks for his daughters in case of slippage. I smell a post-presidency teenage rebellion…), including a light blue workout jacket for Michelle and two button-down sweaters for his daughters, one in coral and the other in light pink.

Obama, shopping, Gap, minimum wage

Photo: Pablo Martinez Monsivais, AP

Obama, Gap, minimum wage, economy

Photo: Pablo Martinez Monsivais, AP

So you can pretty much expect all three items to sell out right… about…now.

My favorite part of the whole show?

The relentless salespeople who drive me nuts explaining the benefits of the Gap credit card each and every time I shop there, who refuse to accept my respectful rejection, which usually sounds something like, “Oh, no thank you, but my husband will divorce me if I open another credit card,” apparently had the balls to ask the President of the United States if he wanted to open one too!

His answer? “I’ve got one card. In fact I don’t always carry my wallet. I brought it specially for you.”

Way to stay strong! I bet the APR alone is a killer (I literally have no idea what that means…)

Although I’d never go for it myself, I can’t help but feel a little bad for the checkout clerk. I bet the commission for getting the President of the United States to sign up for a Gap card is huge.

*In honor of the President stimulating the economy at the Gap, I’m sharing my friends and family Gap online discount code that will save you 40% off of your entire Gap purchase–enter FAF40 at checkout. 

See, you shop because you’re saving, the Gap makes money, they hire more workers, they can pay them a higher hourly rate because you shopped, and all is right in the world.

It’s like the Lion King but with clothes, so I like it even more than the movie. And that’s a good movie! 

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