Author Archives: joleslieaaron

Traveling With Kids To New York City


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I go to New York often. Not like all of the time. But enough that I have “people” in NYC, like the woman who does my laser hair removal, a manicurist, and a hairstylist I actually trust to cut and style me up. In Girl World, that basically makes it my second home.

So when my kids cried because I was leaving for another trip to the Big Apple without them in September–for fun–I decided it was time to plan a trip for them to come along in October. It would be their very first time in New York and my mom was coming too.

People asked me how the trip went down with my kids, who are 5 and 6-years-old. Well, it was AWESOME! Here some reasons why…

Where to Stay

Hotel. We stayed at the Langham Place Hotel. If you get an opportunity to stay at a Langham Place Hotel, you must stay at a Langham Place Hotel. The New York Langham Place Hotel is on Fifth Ave. It’s gorgeous, located right smack dab in the middle of the city, and the entire staff, from the lovely greeters at the door, to the wonderful folks behind the front desk, to those in the restaurant, went over and above to make sure our visit was perfection.Langham Place

I’m not talking clean sheets and extra towels.

I’m talking chocolate milk and candy bars upon check-in, high-fives for my kids every time we walked in and out of the hotel, quick (and very appropriate) games of tag in the lobby with my antsy kids while I checked in, and “of course,” “what can we do for you,” and “is there anything else you need” as regular vocab. Add that to the beautiful decor, spacious room (seriously, shockingly huge for NY), and delicious restaurant and in-room dining for the meals when my kids just couldn’t deal with another restaurant, and I honestly couldn’t imagine staying anywhere else. Ever. Again.

Also, for the holidays, they are hosting a special brunch called Tunes with Tina-Holiday Hit Parade featuring acclaimed musician Tina DeVaron, during which kids are welcome to decorate Xmas and Chanukah cookies. The food is delicious and the atmosphere is festive.

Oh yeah. And they have a spa that you will NEVER want to leave, but you’ll have to, because you’ve brought your kids with you and you have to go back to them at some point.

Where to Eat

Because I am who I am, eating is a big part of my travels. But because my kids are who they are, we have to negotiate all food options. I have one kid who loves to eat and another who won’t eat that much. That being said, we still hit some tourist goodies, such as…

Serendipity 3. Everyone knows Serendipity 3. The lines are long. I’m not going to lie. But we had a secret weapon, so my kids walked in like Disney Channel celebrities and sat down at a nice round table in the back. The place is a fun ol’ pile of

IMG_7493kitsch and my kids couldn’t have enjoyed themselves more. Especially when they brought out the frozen hot chocolate. And the french fries. And the foot long hot dog. And the chili. Let’s just say we had to do a little rearranging to get all of the plates on our table.

Max Brenner. If you hate chocolate, do NOT come here. Because this place is hands down the best place to PMS. The drinks. They’re chocolate. The breakfast. It’s mostly chocolate. Lunch? You got it, chocolate. You can order eggs, and somehow, they manage to slip chocolate into the dish somehow. And you know what? I think it’s genius. But that’s probably because I freaking IMG_7535LOVE chocolate. Even my son, who eats almost nothing at all, ate close to an entire bag of chocolate chunks, so everyone on Team Aaron was happy! We were also with our cousins, so that ruled. Excellent pick, cuzzies!

What to do for Play Time

Now, you’re probably thinking, ok, Jo, once you’ve slept and eaten, you’ve taken up a very short period of time in NYC, but what else are you supposed to do with your kids in the Big Apple?

Well, let me tell you, there’s plenty! Of course, when I’m with my lady friends, we shop. We spa. We eat lunch at 4 in the afternoon. These are not things that kids are willing to do, right? Well, maybe the shopping, but in very different stores. So let’s start there. My mom, who was the main event of this trip as we were celebrating her BIG birthday (I won’t give you up Mommy, don’t worry!) and I decided to hit the stores with the kids first thing.

Toys-R-Us. We walked into Toys-R-Us in Time Square, and I only wish you could have seen my kids’ faces. See, the store IMG_7480is 110,000 square feet and they have a 60-foot Ferris Wheel right in the middle of the store, so it’s pretty amazing. They also have an entire LEGO area–perfect for my LEGO-freak son–a life-size Barbie Dream House, a wandering magician who my kids couldn’t get enough of, a woman giving sparkle tattoos, a huge Willy Wonka Candy Store, and so much more. We probably spent 2 hours there and I’m not going to say how much money but it was worth every cent.

Disney Store. I know these stores are everywhere, but there’s something pretty awesome about being able to walk into the Disney Store after seeing those characters who wander around TimeIMG_7477 Square, charging parents to take pictures. We didn’t pay to take pictures with anyone, but we did hang at the Disney Store for a bit because they have a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that you can climb in and out of…basically, they made the place a little interactive and our local one is not.

Broadway. My kids happen to enjoy going to theater and for months, my daughter had been begging me to take her to see Wicked. So when a friend who is actually in the Broadway IMG_7578production offered us the opportunity to come backstage before the performance, I jumped on the chance. It was a highlight of the trip. We showed up a little early and got to sit inside the area where all of the actors enter before theIMG_7597 show. So of course, as each actor came inside and checked in with the manager, they were also made to check in with my daughter who asked each and every person, who are you and who do you play in Wicked? Gotta love a 5-year-old with no shame! The backstage tour was an experience of a lifetime, especially for my mom. Special doesn’t begin to describe watching her with my kids IMG_7636in her element–she was an opera major who should have go onto Broadway. Her voice was that good.

Plaza Hotel. Although there’s not much that could have topped our Wicked experience, we went to the Plaza Hotel to see Eloise. My kids adore the Eloise movies, so we thought it would be so much fun to see her house. We would have loved to have done tea at the Plaza, but we didn’t have time. IMG_7648Instead, we did a little shopping in the perfectly pink store they have in the basement of the Plaza Hotel, after walking through the lobby, checking out all of IMG_7652the sites of the movie–our favorite is Eloise at Christmastime–we split up.

Central Park and Akiko Hair and Nail. My son, mom and best friend went for a walk through Central Park where he played on the big rocks and had the greatest time, and my daughter and I went down to the village for mother-daughter nail art manicures. If you remember my crazy-amazing nail art from Akiko Hair and Nail in the Village, then you’ll understand why my IMG_7512daughter insisted that she needed to have a mani just like mommy’s when she got to New York. And when you see what they did on her nails, you’ll understand that her nails were totally worth IMG_7522skipping a walk in the park. I’m sorry, but they just were. She sat for 2-hours. I’m not kidding. My 5-year-old who can’t stop for anything for 5-minutes, sat still for 2-hours straight to get Alice In Wonderland nails on one hand and princess themed nails on the other. She’s just like her mama. Anything for beauty.

How to Get Around

We took cabs and walked everywhere. If you really feel strongly about boosters, bring along one of those blow-up boosters, if you don’t mind carrying it with you. Or you can avoid pain-in-the-butt carseat issues altogether and take the subway or do like we did, and use those things below your ankles…you know, your feet! New York is a fantastic walking city, so you can drink your frozen hot chocolate and eat foot longs without one ounce of guilt.

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It So Cold, You Can’t Tell How Hot I Am!


Polar Vortex, Winter, Coat, Freezing, Cold

This Is How I Feel All Winter

Yes people, it’s officially winter.

Well, not according to the calendar, but if 12 degrees outside means fall to you, then we are not on the same page. You’re going to have to face reality–it’s freezing and that means two things:

1. All anyone will be talking about until about Memorial Day will be how freaking cold it is outside. 

2. No one will know how adorable I look because my carefully curated outfits will be hidden underneath a huge winter coat that makes me look like the little brother from A Christmas Story.

It’s so sad, it almost makes me want to wear pajamas everyday from now until no-coat-weather. My husband would be so happy to hear that, I can almost imagine his eyes lighting up when he thinks about saving all that money on me not shopping for winter clothes. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN HONEY! I said it makes me want to do it. I didn’t say I was going to do it! Jeez. I’m cold, not stupid.

But back to the subject of Chiberia. Or the Polar Vortex. Or whatever the weather people are calling it this year. It’s already the only thing everyone can speak of, and I mean everyone. The check out woman at Target. “It’s cold out there, isn’t it?” The check out man at Whole Foods. “Can you believe this weather?” My favorite barista at Starbucks. “How you handling the weather?”

Well, I’ll tell you how I’m handling the weather, Mr. Barista.

I’m freezing my tush off. I’m having daily brawls with my kids to try to get them to put all of their winter gear on to get them out of the house on time for school. I can’t find a winter coat that covers enough of my body so I don’t freeze to death without looking like I never lost my baby weight after finally losing my baby weight. I worry everyday that my kids are going to forget to put their gloves on at recess and get frostbite and end up in the hospital and I’ll end up in jail for that or in the poor house because they’ve already lost two pairs of gloves each and it’s only been one week of cold weather so I’m thinking of investing in a glove company so at least we’ll get them for free. I wonder how long it will be before there is a massive snowfall and my kids make me go outside to build a snowman which I totally hate because playing in the snow sucks but I live for my kids and I like being fun mommy.

Does that answer your question? Just give me my fucking coffee.

However in the meantime, after working through all of that, the sad truth is that I’m still semi-dressed up under my snowman-esque coat, not that you can tell.

That’s because I’ve become addicted to Talia Hancock’s Camille LeggingsYoga Pants, Leggings,

When a friend teased me a few months ago that all I wear is workout clothes everyday, my friends at Talia Hancock helped me make a wardrobe change. I had seen Kourtney Kardashian wearing their Michele Leggings and she looked awesome, so I tried their Camilles. I wanted a one-piece, full length legging instead of a convertible capri because unfortunately, it’s chilly where I run errands unlike in Kourtney Kardashian, pregnancy, maternityKourt’s hometown. The fold-over waist on the Camille can be pulled down to look like a skirt and the zippers at the ankles are perfect for freezing cold winters (if we must still talk weather) so they can easily accommodate boots or, someday if there is ever grass on the ground again, normal shoes.

When I tell you that I’ve gotten more compliments on these super-soft leggings, I am not lying. And because my big ol’ coat only hits below my behind, these compliments have come even when I’m all bundled up. As the K-Krew would say, “Bible!”

My favorite shoes to pair with my Camille leggings are the Sorel Joan of Arctic Wedge Mid Waterproof City Boots. Actually, my own crew (spelled correctly) will tell you that my Sorel Joan of Arctic Wedges are my favorite boots towinter boots, sorel pair with just about anything anytime of year. I think they are good looking, comfortable, and man, oh, man are they warm. I’ve own other Sorels, and these unlined booties kick my mannish, heavy boots butts. I’m just saying.

They aren’t easy to find because they are awesome but nothing worth owning should be easy to find. Just remember that. I just tracked down an Alexander McQueen coat in my size in London because there wasn’t one in the United States. Desperate? Totally. Worth it? Absolutely. Except it didn’t fit, it was super expensive, and I didn’t keep it. Ha!

So the moral of the story? Maybe you shouldn’t listen to me and leave all of the good Sorel boots in my size for me to buy. Oh, jeez, stop rolling your eyes, husband!

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Jason Segel Says I Can Be 39 For 5 More Years. So I Love Him Even More Now.


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I interviewed Jason Segel on the phone today. You know, Marshall, the adorable guy from How I Met Your Mother. Of I Love You, Man. Or the sweet, child-at-heart man who wrote and starred in The Muppets. The one who voices Vector in Despicable Me. The trainer in This is 40, aka. Jason, who played the same role in Knocked Up? One of my favorite freak and/or geek in Freaks and Geeks?

You know who I’m talking about. And before you ask, yes, he was just as sweet and smart and funny and adorable as you’d imagine…and yes, I know I’m married.

I also recognize that Jason is most likely not interested in a middle-aged mom with two kids who drives carpool and wears Gap jeans, even if they are the skinny jeggings and paired with Fendi boots. As far as Jason’s concerned, all of my jeans are mom jeans. This is my truth.

But I have a movie star-crush on this particular actor and it took everything not to come out and tell him. That would not have been professional.

Ok, maybe I did kind of gush a bit but more in an yenta way, than a Tiger Beat way, so I know for certain I did not freak him out.

I can say this much, Jason Segel is not sitting at home writing a blog post about me right now. I am actually willing to bet money that Jason Segel hung up the phone after our interview and immediately forgot my name. But that’s ok, because he’s busy (and handsome and tall) and I got to interview him. For work, of course. I’m not a weirdo, people. My job required me to speak to Jason on the phone and ask him all kinds of questions. I know. My job freaking rules.ilovejason-250x250

I learned a lot about Jason that you’ll have to read about in my article on RedTricycle when it comes out in a few weeks but here’s a teaser…after telling Jason that I’m 39 during some pre-interview conversation, he told me that he’s learned that I can be 39 for as long as I want.

I mean, how sweet is that? My husband, who is the love of my life, would definitely tell me to own my 39 years–and to gracefully admit to the next one that’s looming. “39 is 39, and you can’t escape 40,” I’m going to assume he’d say.* (You know you would, my sweet love. Who are we kidding?)

However my pretend boyfriend, Jason, feels like if I never want to hit the big 4-0, I’m not hurting anyone. I’ll admit, I’ve never run from numbers before, but Jason makes me feel like I might as well and considering I had to buy reading glasses this week, I think I’m going to stay 39 for as long as Jason said I could.

So it just felt right when I asked him…

“Are you trying to make me like you more than I already do, or what?”

He laughed. Jason Segel laughed at my joke.

Talk about a meet cute!

ilovejason-250x250*For the record, my husband is the only person I’d ever make up pretend quotes for. All other persons are quoted with complete accuracy. As my husband would probably say, “I’m pretty sure I never said that.” Oh, I love him so much!

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I Love New York!


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I was lucky enough to go to NY to celebrate my best friend’s birthday. I packed up and left the fam at home (sorry, loves!) from Thursday thru Monday. Yes, it was Rosh HaShana, but they say G-d doesn’t care where you pray from, even Bergdorf’s, so stop judging.

And speaking of shopping, I may have done a little. I didn’t buy that much (no, seriously husband, I didn’t) but I did spend an entire day in SoHo weaving in and out of some of the most glorious boutiques in NYC.

However before shopping, we made a quick, relaxing stop by White Tea Med Spa for rejuvenating facials. Because when you’re about to do a day of couture-ial damage, you have to either have a full face of professionally applied make-up so you can get the complete vision or be able to say, “I know, I look awful. I just had a facial,” so that the salespeople can tell you that you’re crazy and that you look amazing without a stitch of anything on your face.

To set the record straight, I only fished for those compliments in the stores with obnoxious, florescent lighting. Honestly, if they’re going to install elementary school lighting in a dressing room, they need to be prepared for sad shoppers who need ego boosts, even if it’s coming from a 40-year-old hipster sales dude with a mohawk, wearing skinny pedal pushers and a flannel shirt that would fit my kindergartener.

Hey, I’ll take sweet talk where I can get it, right ladies?

I really hit the jackpot at Proenza Schouler. Unfortunately I didn’t purchase anything there (yet, I didn’t buy anything yet…they can always ship to Chicago), but the adorable salesperson had these awesome designs on her nails that matched this season’s dress pattern. I freaked over them as she told me where to go–some random market in the Village–I feel cool just saying it–called Akiko Nails.

Ok, I have to say, they did such a stunning job on my nails, that I’m struggling with giving out the name, just in case the next time I’m in NY I am unable to get an appointment. Yeah, it was that amazing.

nail art, manicure, fingers, polish

The nail tech did the whole thing freehand. I know. Your mind has been blown.

Back to shopping. Staying away from all of the stores we have in Chicago, I always limit my shopping experience to stuff we can’t get here–or that I can only see online but never try on aka. Kirna Zabete where I found an uber-fab Veronica Beard blazer that I will be making a statement in all fall, winter and spring as soon as it arrives at my home.

I’m too cheap to pay United for overweight luggage, so I had everything shipped. Shockingly, or embarrassing–however United wants to view it–it was still cheaper to ship from a bunch of different stores than try to sneak them aboard, so I’m just saying…

The topper on the weekend of “mommy NEVER gets to do this at home” came on Sunday night, when my friend and I attended a taping of Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live. I’ve heard the urban legends that you have to come to studio blindfolded or that they pick you up from one location and drive you to the studio so that you don’t really know where it, or you, are. However, I can assure you, Andy Cohen doesn’t give a boo-ha if people know where the studio is because you are NOT getting through security if you are not specifically invited to be there. That being said, I’m not telling you where it is. I will in no way jeopardize my new best friendship with Andy. Not for you. Not for no one.

Once we stepped into the office that leads to the studio where the show is shot, we were greeted by a handsome and energetic bartender. Immediately. You could tell that they were very pro-alcohol at this taping. And I was happy to do my part to be the best audience member I could be by sipping a Mazel (something, something and vodka-check the menu) Anything for my Andy:

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Like other tapings I had been to, we were ushered in by “party,” as in the Beth party and let me tell you, if you are going to make an appearance at WWHL, you want to be a part of the Beth party. Um, we were seated in the first two seats smack dab in the front of what would soon be Rita Wilson and Jacqueline Laurita’s guest seats.

Look how close I am!

Look how close I am!

 

Oh, did I forget to say that Andy was about 8 feet away from me? And he talked to me? They might as well have walked me out of the studio and onto the airplane to go home after that. My trip was complete.

Of course, after coming down from my WWHL high, I did manage to do some unselfish shopping following two days of SoHo and almost 3-hours in Bergdorf’s (which, by the way, has a delish cafe on the basement level when you finally remember that you’ve been running in and out of stores for 48-hours and probably should put something in your system that doesn’t have a Starbucks logo on it) for my kids.

We hit up Economy Candy on the Lower East Side which was any kid’s dream come true. Just a fantastic wholesale candy store with everything. I even found vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle trading cards for my son who is a TMNT freak! Yes, the gum was stale and yes, I’m calling them vintage because to admit that they are from my elementary school years just makes me feel crazy old. Actually, calling myself vintage, which sounds nicer, actually makes me want to hightail it back to White Tea Med Spa to see what those geniuses can do about turning back time on my face without getting doctors and needles involved, you know?

Check out some of my favorite NYC spots:

Chelsea Flower Market. Ever go down there? If you like flowers, actually, if you like anything pretty, just get up early and take a walk around there even if you’re not in the market for a bouquet of your own. The whole street (28th) smells amazing–ok, you can still smell NYC gutter–but step foot into one wholesale flower shop and you’re instantly swallowed up by gorgeous scents from all over the globe. It’s not to be missed but the early bird gets the worm, so don’t sleep in because the good stuff’s pretty much gone and some shops even close by 11AM on Saturdays. You would too if you started getting shipments in at 1AM.

Kirna Zabete. Sure, I was spending money which is the best kind of customer to have, but this store is one incredibly curated mix of high-end and up-and-coming designer clothing, shoes and accessories that actually makes you feel welcome. As far as they concerned, acting like customers aren’t good enough to browse their goods might work for fancy-smancy stores in the neighborhood, but it’s just not their bag. And baby, they have good bags! Ask for Everest. He’s super excellent and will style you up like a Hollywood starlet even if you’re just a plain Jane mom like me.

Toys-R-Us-Time Square. But Jo, it’s just a Toys-R-Us. Oh, you’re wrong. You’re so wrong. I mean, unless your local TRU has a 60-foot Ferris wheel in the middle of the store, a million floors of almost any toy your kids could possibly want, and so much more. I’m just saying. It’s not the same.

Eloise at the Plaza. Ok, she doesn’t really live there. The 6-year-old me finally got over that. But the Plaza certainly figured out how to make it seem like she does. With a fabulous all-Eloise, all-the-time shop on the lower level, complete with a party room if you feeling like spoiling your child and her friends with a Rawther Fancy Tea. For super fans, they even sell the Eloise costume. I have a feeling my daughter is going to force that one on me next week when I take her to the Big Apple for the first time, but it’s so cute, she won’t have to twist my arm.

Balthazar Restaurant. I always eat there. Always. The food is delicious, the atmosphere is romantic yet energetic, and I love checking out the street art while I wait for a table because you always have to wait–no matter how important you think you are. I went there on my first business trip to NY from LA in my 20’s and I still go back almost every time I’m in town.

More pics from the trip…you might see a famous face or two:

 

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Post Emmy Fashion Coverage-Because I Have To.


2014 Emmys

I wasn’t going to do it. I was going to keep my mouth shut.

I didn’t even watch the whole thing because I’m trying to be nicer and not so snarky. I figured what I didn’t know I couldn’t make fun of. But then I went online…and I ended up watching 2-hours of the show and as many after shows I could find.

Of course, I’m talking about Emmy fashion coverage. 

Some got it right, like Julia Roberts (POPSUGAR).

Julia Roberts, Emmys, Awards

That dress and those legs. Wow! But jeez, I wish they would have muted her until she read the actual winning name. Regardless. She got it so, so right.

 

Anyway there was plenty of wrong, and I’m here to point it out…because it’s so much FUN!!!

I mean, Lena (LATimes). What. The. Fuck. I am a huge Girls fan. So much so that I’ve every episode at least twice but holy cheese-us. It seems unfair of you to claim mental suffering and then wear this. It’s like not wanting to be made fun of for being a Kardashian but posting your ass on every public social media site. It’s just not fair. As far as I’m concerned, if we were friends I’d let you have it for this look, so here goes: Bjork, Andy Dick, and Mood Fabrics called and they don’t want their anything back. Lena 2014 EmmysThey saw your getup and they want you to keep it all for yourself because, damn girl, what the hell??? Are kids actually doing acid these days, because if you tell me you were sober when you picked this look, I cannot imagine what it’s like for you when you actually get wasted.

At least Lena Dunham went the creative route because her contemporaries, like Adam Levine (JustJared), decided to flick off the Television Academy by forgetting to shave and skipping the tie. Ok. We get it. You’re a “rockstar” and a “movie actor” since playing an asshole rockstar in Begin Again. Bet that role was probably a HUGE stretch from who you really are. Adam Levine 2014 EmmysBut as far as being a “TV actor”, please remember, you are a judge on a variety program on TV. You basically give a thumbs up or down on other people’s talent. That’s not acting. I’ve been doing the same thing at home since I started watching Star Search in the 80’s and no one’s inviting me to the Emmys. So throw on a tie and show some respect.

Same goes for you, Johnny Galecki (GQ). Yes, we’re psyched for you that you’re getting paid a king’s ransom per episode on the Big Bang Theory. Just a suggestion–rather than crapping on the Academy by snubbing their fancy party, next time, how about grabbing one of those easy-to-use clip on ties and at least feign humility now GQ, Johnny Galecki, Emmys, Awardsthat you’re middle aged rather than a bratty child actor? Seems like a small price to pay for the gazillions you make to be a TV star. You’re not saving lives there, buddy.

Who’s next?

Oh, Mayim Bialik (Fox News), you made it too easy. I recognize that this fashion choice was a religious one–I know you blogged that as an orthodox Jew, you wanted to look “hot and holy” but holy moly, you 503306591TM00116_66th_Annuamissed the mark. Girlfriend you have a great figure! You don’t have to show any skin from neck to ankle in order to check the 30-40 year-old box. Full coverage doesn’t have to mean Boca bubby at a black tie bar mitzvah, but you really took that theme and ran with it, didn’t cha?

I imagine Katherine Heigl sitting at home reading all of the awful things people write about her, chain smoking and swearing up a storm. That’s just how I picture her and if the rumors are correct, it’s going to get real noisy and smoky up in her house Katherine Heigl 2014 Emmysbecause the dress she wore at the Emmys was old-lady-hot-mess-ness. That long peach, quarter-length sleeve which perfectly covered those chicken wings that old women get when they hit their 30’s, high neck gown was something only Katherine Heigl could have imagined wearing to the Emmys as a little girl. She’s not a total stick in the mud–she did show a little bit of boob and who wouldn’t plotz over a dress with bodice detailing that hits you right smack dab on the nipples, or shall I say, on thy golden globes?! How youthful and glamorous! 

Actually, after seeing Katherine and Mayim, I can’t help but wonder if they use the same stylist? Just picture those two spending a day together at their stylist’s condo in West Palm Beach, sitting, ankles crossed, on a paisley velour couch, with their movie-star blue blockers over their eyes, watching models parade around in this season’s geriatric fashions, while munching on nilla wafers and sipping prune juice. G-d! To be young and famous!

I’m not bothering with Kathy Bates (Us Weekly) because that would be like bad mouthing the Pope. If she has a tribal meeting after the Jason LaVeris/FilmMagicawards show, who am I to call her out, right? She’s super famous, so I’m sure she’s really busy. Lots of famous people double book plans. 

Heidi Klum. (E! Online) I know she’s probably on a lot of people’s best dressed and I love ZP as much as the next fashionista out there, but let me shed some light here. Imagine if you will, that you are blessed with the body of a goddess. You are so tall that everything you eat goes straight to your hair, your stomach is a flat as Stanley’s (you know, Flat Stanley), those hip bones that everyone claims makes people look borderline anorexic simply make you look like a total supermodel, because you are in fact, a supermodel, yet, on one Jason Merritt/Getty Imagesof the hottest nights in Hollywood you decide to cover up all of your gorgeousness in melon fabric so no one can identify the lines of your figure. Oh yeah, and then you have wings on your sleeves so you actually look like an angel in case people forget that you model for Victoria’s Secret because in this dress, there’s no way people will remember you are a model. A bolt of fabric, absolutely, but a model? Not so much.

The rest of the worst are yours to look up…my where’s your-honor-able mentions include: 

Christina Hendricks, Laura Prepon, Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, and Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Ode to Summer’s End…


Can someone get Britney a wipe? Photo by Celebritysweating.com

Can someone get Britney a wipe?
Photo by Celebritysweating.com

Oh, summer, how I will miss thee.

You help me get to places on time,

‘cause no coats and boots mean my kids don’t whine.

Each time that the sun is shining and out,

at crappy drivers, I need not shout.

And even when my boob sweat’s on display,

I think back to winter, being frozen all day.

Suddenly those rings ’round my breasts

remind me why summer is simply the best!

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The Ice Queen Arrives…No, This Is Not A Biography.


When we took our family to Disney World in February, a guide in the park told us in a hushed voice that the Frozen Princesses would be arriving in Hollywood Studios on Friday or Saturday of our trip.

We were elated! Ok, I was elated. To be honest, I’m not sure I would want to be married to a man who gets excited about the Frozen princesses, but that’s a different topic.

So there I we were psyched that I we had the DL on where the hottest princesses would be the weekend of our trip. After all, these ladies are like the Kardashians of Disney World. We were ready to stalk like paparazzi.

But sadly, nothing was going to get us pictures with these girls. Not press credentials, not insider info (which were bunk as those snowy beotches never made it to Hollywood Studios), and not even standing in line.

Because the line was 6-hours long at Epcot and that’s where I draw my there’s-nothing-I-wouldn’t-do-for-my-babies line. Yeah. My selfishness runneth over. I’m not standing in a 6-hour line for any princess…not even my own.

Sorry toots.

However the silver lining for families about to slap down the massive amounts of cash it costs to take the kids to Disney to see the Frozen chicks?

AN ENTIRE FROZEN WORLD IS COMING TO HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS! And it’s not just the princesses, but their friends too, starting July 5th.

Finally, they’re opening up the gates and it all sounds really cool…

Disney’s Hollywood Studios Gets Frozen This Summer!

Frozen, Elsa, Anna, Disney, Let It Go

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It’s My Hair And I’ll Wash If I Want To


hairstyle, blowout, mom, parenting, working

Who needs sleep when there’s hair to do?

I’m growing out my bangs. I know, alert the media!

Like it or not, I have the infuriating task of having to wash and blow-dry my hair everyday or risk looking like I ran a marathon. And considering I’m still working on the early stages of the Couch-to-5K app, I assure you, I have not run a marathon. However, the bangs play a big role in that annoying bit of daily grooming and I’m hoping without them, I’ll get to skip washing my hair every day and move to every other day–or at least to dry shampoo.

Ladies, you know you get where I’m coming from–especially those of you who “have to catch an early train, got to be to work by nine” (I love the Bangles!) or those who are racing to get kids who move at a glacial pace to school on time every morning.

So maybe this piece that I originally wrote for Elizabeth Street will explain why I’m doing what I’m doing, and the next time you see me and my clean, yet way-overgrown bangs, but can’t see my eyes, you’ll understand.

Why I Wash My Hair Everyday, And You Just Have To Get Over It!

I wash my hair everyday. Now I know what you’re going to say, because I’ve heard it before…

But it’s so bad for your hair!!!

Yes, I know. And yes, I know there are a million things I could do to avoid washing my hair everyday. And YES, I KNOW that you don’t have to wash yours everyday which means you save the 30-minutes I spend washing and drying every morning. And, oh yeah, I’m totally jealous of you for that!

That said, when it comes to my own hair, it must be washed daily and you are going to have to get over it. So why does it bother you so much to hear that?

I swear I’ve tried everything–the dry shampoos, just washing my bangs in the sink, baby powders, hair powders, silk pillowcases, and washing the night before. I’ve put in the legwork and it always ends the same way—me futzing with my hair for hours trying to make it look clean, ultimately, giving up, and showering and blow drying, like I should have in the first place.

Please know that I’m not complaining about my hair. I actually really like it, despite the upkeep. But it requires a good washing everyday for a few reasons:

  • I have bangs and anyone who has bangs knows that they get nasty after being slept on. When I was a little girl, my mom used to put a piece of hair tape across them each night, so they didn’t have to be blown out each morning. That may have worked on the 6-year-old me, but not the 38-year-old one. Plus my poor husband has already gone from seeing me come to bed in silky nighties to old t-shirts…the man’s been through enough.
  • They say women’s hair gets drier with age, but I swear mine is getting oilier. By mid-morning, I need a good brushing to redistribute oils through my hair so I don’t look too like a pre-teen, so you can imagine how I wake up. Washing is the only thing that does the trick.
  • I don’t mean to sounds cruel, but most of the time, I can tell when you haven’t washed your hair for a week. I know you think no one can tell, but friend, you ain’t fooling anyone. Sorry, but dirty hair is extremely hard to pull off and only works on people like Johnny Depp, a few 90’s super models, and, um, that’s it. 

After all, friends don’t let friends walk around with greasy hair. That’s the saying, right? Or friends don’t let friends’ tresses be messes? How about, friends don’t let friends’ do’s look like don’ts. I could go on, but I have to save my strength for my wash and dry.

 

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Go See The Wizard of Oz–The Play, Not The Man, Silly…


Broadway, Chicago, Wizard of Oz, theater

I’ll admit, there are some fabulous perks to my job. One of them? Invites to lovely going-ons in the city and beyond.

Such was the case on Thursday night when I was invited with a guest to view Broadway in Chicago’s latest show, The Wizard of Oz at the Cadillac Palace Theatre.

My obvious plus one? My Dorothy-obsessed 4-year-old daughter, of course! Since my son isn’t a fan of musical theater–or theatre for my fellow drama geeks–he was happy to stay home with his Legos and let us have our mommy/daughter night out.

We started off the evening at a fancy dinner for 2 at Hugo’s Frog Bar. Our reservation was set for 5:30 and we were running on JST (Jewish Standard Time)–which is code for never on time. Everyone knows this, right? We had about five minutes to get at least 10-minutes away, and three minutes into that trip, I realized I didn’t have my iPhone with me.

So I gave my daughter a choice–we could go home, skip the fancy dinner, grab the phone so we could take pictures (and I could social media the crap out of our night together) and we could eat at Rock-n-Roll McDonald’s (one of her favs) OR we could be phoneless, yet, fancy at Hugo’s.

She opted to be fancy and out of touch. After all, she was decked out in her Dorothy costume, complete with lipgloss. And the girl NEVER gets to wear makeup outside of our house. N.E.V.E.R.

Once we arrived at the restaurant and I apologized profusely for being a few minutes late, they seated us at table number such-and-such…I heard them say something about, “she’ll love it”.

They couldn’t have been any righter on-er.

Turns out the booth is actually in an old-fashion elevator. How I’d been there a million times and never noticed this booth, I’ll never know, but it was awesome. And then they overdid the awesomeness. To top off our delicious meal, the waitress brought out an enormous hot fudge sundae and said that the restaurant wanted Dorothy to enjoy her special evening. She followed up the explanation with an apology for the sugar-rush that was sure to follow. Hey, no one has to apologize for giving my family free ice-cream. Especially free chocolate-covered ice-cream.

Fortunately, we ran into a friend of ours on the way out of the restaurant who was eating dinner at a normal time and offered to take our picture. So here’s what my mini-Dorothy looked like:

Wizard of Oz, theater, Hugo's, Chicago

Mommy Daughter GNO

Next, it was onto the Cadillac for the show. Our energy was high, potty breaks were taken, and we were ready! The lights went down, the music started and my daughter jumped onto my lap and BEGGED me to leave…

PLEASE MOMMY, I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

I had to stay strong. I knew she was going to love the show. So Mean Mommy put her back in her seat, held her hand and rubbed her leg as the show started.

And you know what? She absolutely love it. The entire thing. So much so that she asked me if we could watch it again the minute it was over. I had to explain that the play wasn’t like a DVD.

So here are some things you need to know about Broadway in Chicago’s The Wizard of Oz if you are going with young kids:

  • Take snacks. You can bring food into the theater, so throw a few easy snacks in your bag and avoid spending a fortune at the lobby bar. My friend suggested lollipops–after all, your little munchkin might enjoy one too.
  • Use the bathrooms downstairs at the Cadillac. Don’t bother standing in the line on the main level for the two single washrooms. That’s an accident waiting to happen.
  • The show is funnier than it is scary but if you have a child who scares easily, you might want to think it through. The wicked witch was very funny–I made sure to tell my daughter from the get go that her hair looked like an onion to make her laugh, in an effort to take away any fear, and it worked–but there are some scary parts like when the Wizard of Oz sings a song on a giant screen. My daughter didn’t seem to mind it but I was wishing that my husband wasn’t out of town that night.
  • It’s not an adult play or a kid’s play. There was something for everyone. My daughter laughed so hard, I actually had to tell her to reign it in a bit so the ushers wouldn’t ask us to leave. Ok, I didn’t do that, but she was hysterical. And I loved the friend of Dorothy jokes and the witch’s digs, so it was all good.
  • You may need to explain that some actors play dual roles in the play. For instance, my daughter was wondering why the farmhands came out to bow at the end but the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion didn’t. It led to a good conversation about Dorothy’s dream, but just be prepared.
  • If you wear a costume to the see the show, everyone is going to call you by that character’s name. My daughter didn’t understand why everyone was calling her Dorothy, however I can promise you, it will not keep her from leaving the house in full costume the next time the opportunity presents itself. Like when we go out for Mother’s Day brunch. Or to the park.

 

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Oh No! Like Mother, Like Daughter?


Bono, U2, One Tree Hill, music, song

When Bono sings, we listen.

Why do kids think that moms and dads love being in the car? Don’t they know how much we dread driving? At least they can kick back and watch an iPad in the backseat. We can’t take our eyes off the road for a second.

So we were pretty psyched when U2’s One Tree Hill came on the radio when we were driving back from the burbs on Sunday. For the next 3-ish minutes, my husband and I rocked out to the awesomeness that is Bono and the gang.

*However our 4-year-old daughter wasn’t having it. She sounded off in her normal voice, calling me with that mom, mommy, mama-nagging that makes mothers want to change their nickname to almost anything else.

Then came the shouting, because if I wasn’t answering her, clearly it was because I couldn’t hear her calling me from the backseat.

Next was the questioning, you know, the why aren’t you listening to me’s.

Still, we continued to bop with big, goofy smiles on our faces. I think I even grabbed the stubby lighter from the car ashtray and waved it above my head at one point, but that must have really set her off because she bellowed this out like Real Housewife of New Jersey…

“I’m about to lose my SHIT!”

We stopped car dancing right there and then. My husband looked at me and I looked right back at him. After we finally stopped laughing, I couldn’t help but wonder where she heard that one? What horrible people had she been hanging around with who speak like that?

Of course, I’m putting my money on the little girl at the park in the pink faux leather jacket who looks like she could be part of a neighborhood scooter gang, because it certainly is NOT me.

No fucking way.

It is not me.

*Just to be clear, she didn’t actually need anything and was just calling me because I was having fun dancing and singing in case anyone wants to question my parenting skills. Actually, go for it. I’m too exhausted from all that car dancing to fight back. 

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