Author Archives: joleslieaaron

Oh Dear, Why Can I See Her You-Know-What?!


I’ve been spending time online looking for a fun-in-the-sun wardrobe for an upcoming trip to Sunny Land. Since I only get to leave the nasty Chicago winter weather for one week out of the whole season, I’m going to dress the part.

In my search, I’ve come across some fab new sites that I promise to share shortly, however in the meantime, I couldn’t wait to post the fresh hell that I found on Neimanmarcus.com tonight. While searching through Swimwear & Coverups, I found this little slice, I mean, literally:

Neiman Marcus, cover up, swimsuit, resort, vacation

Does that come in camel?

When I showed him, my husband’s question was something like, couldn’t Neimans have done something to prevent that from looking so, uh, camel-toe-y in the picture.

My answer to him was something like, um, I’m pretty sure the company that offers fantasy holiday gifts like trips to space, can probably afford on-staff stylists who know how to avoid MAJOR, can’t look-away-from-it C-toe.

EWWWW, GROSS!

My favorite part is that the description of the romper focuses on the low-cut neckline. I feel fairly confident that the one person who buys this will not have to worry about anyone checking out her boobies. It will, however, be the first time a woman has ever had to say, “eyes up here,” and be talking about her vagina, so maybe that’s the sales pitch? I don’t know.

Just in case you want to get your own, click here and please send pics so I can make fun of you for the rest of your life. Shine on!

#resortwearFAIL!!! #omghowmanybubbiesinbocahavethis? #pleasemakeitstop #thisiswhyonesiesarefornewborns

 

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I Got People Drunk For Charity At The Public Hotel


hotel, mixology, drinks, Pump Room, celebrities

Look how hard I’m concentrating! I had to. I was getting people drunk for charity.

Actually, it was my 40th birthday party (come on now, you were invited, thanks to me social media-ing the @#$% out of it!) at the Public Hotel where I was invited to be the guest bartender to celebrate my entrance into my new decade. However the tip jar that was out was going to the charity of my choice (CASANA), so it was part party, part do-good-stuff-while-you-drink. I call that a win-win/drink situation. I very much enjoy those situations.

Being a Chicagoan, the Public Hotel is a big deal to me. It is home to the Pump Room which was “the” fancy restaurant for my family growing up. For example, Family Member A would say to Family Member B, “Why are you so dressed up? You think we’re going to the Pump Room or something?”

You get it. It was, like, a really big deal.

So when I was asked if I would like to party for my 40th at the Library Bar and have dinner at the Pump Room first, I said, yes, please, and thank you!

Let me first say, the people who manage the Pump Room, the Library Bar, and the Public Hotel are gracious and lovely. They are kind, they seemed excited to have me there, and they did not seem to care that I had NO idea what I had gotten myself into because, to answer everyone’s question, no, I had never bartended in my entire life. Can I pour myself a glass of wine? Sure. Do I want to stand behind a hotel bar where I can potentially knock every single bottle off the wall or break beautiful glassware? Not so much.

Turns out, the whole evening was a blast. Through my “tip jar” the Library Bar let me put out, I was able to raise tons of cash for CASANA–Childhood Apraxia of Speech Association of North America–which is a non-profit dedicated to children and families who live with a speech condition that plagues our son. Their amazing (and patient) bartenders taught me how to make a few drinks and even showed me how to swing a bottle by the neck to pour properly. Let’s just say, I’ll be a hit at my next dinner party.

The best part of the night? Getting to drink and laugh with my friends and family. Turning 40 might be hard on the pores (ha!), and a bit rough on the psyche, but it’s so much easier when you have good people around you. And it’s a million times better when you get to party with them at the Pump Room/Public Hotel/Library Bar.

Sorry, but it just is.

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Amy Schumer, You’re My Motherf’ing Hero.


Photo credit: Getty Images

Photo credit: Getty Images

Before you’re all, why did you have to swear in your title (yes, mom, I can hear your voice when I type) I just want everyone to take a not-yoga breath–OMG, those loud ones are so gross–and praise Amy Schumer for winning an Emmy last night.

She didn’t censor herself, starve herself, or really even do her hair that well to do it. Sorry Am, but your hair is always a little messy like mine, and I LOVE it. Who the fuck cares? You won and all those really hungry, perfectly-coiffed girls in the audience didn’t.

Who’s PROM QUEEN the Emmy winner now?!!!

My point? While I’m not saying that I’d prefer my daughter grow up to have a vocab like a truck driver (although, with a mom like me, who the fuck are we kidding), I do hope that she has the guts like Amy to just be herself.

Of course, my daughter is only 5, so we have a lot of time before the real shit hits the adolescent fan. However since you’re never too young to learn a good life lesson, I spend a lot of time talking to my kids about being their own person, especially when it comes to my girl child. I preach about not worrying what friends are “in to” and not caring about what’s hot and what’s not, despite our mutual love of Us Weekly’s style section.

Like many parents, I want my daughter to be a leader and make her own decisions, but I also want her to know what it feels like to make the unpopular choice at times, even if it means not being the coolest cat in town.

Because sometimes, just sometimes, the girl who doesn’t conform ends up on stage holding an Emmy.

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Wait, What? I’m 40?!


Smiling on the outside, aging on everywhere else…happy birthday to me!

Smiling on the outside, aging everywhere else…happy birthday to me!

Here it comes boys and girls. I don’t even have to peddle the wheels on the bike. I’m just coasting down the hill (or over it) to my 40th birthday.

It happens this Labor Day weekend and instead of giving you a long list of items I’ve checked off my bucket list or ways I plan to stay cool and/or relevant given my middle age status, I thought I’d celebrate with deep thoughts by Jo Aaron. Cause I’m mature now.

STOP LAUGHING. That’s better.

Here goes:

I found a random hair the other day (I’m not saying where) and thought, I’m so happy I’m not a supermodel. Obvi, I’ve never thought that thought before, but I’ll bet no one ever tells Gisele if she has a longy spring out of her chin and if you’re a woman, you know why. You’re a jealous bitch, but you totally know why. Don’t worry, you’re never going to be friends with her, so it’s no big deal. It’s not like I’m telling her either.

How lucky is my husband? I’m neither menopausal, nor pregnant, so pretty much for the first time in our marriage, he’s getting non-hormonal Jo. I wonder if he feels like he has a new wife? I wonder if it’s weird having an argument with someone who doesn’t change topic mid-fight? Actually, let’s not share this with him…just in case I feel like being irrational and winning again. You know what I’m talking about. I might want to bring up something he did 10 years ago, and *Ladies Law says I can, so just keep this clarity between us, ok?

I got Botox the other day. Just a bit. From a friend from high school who is my derm. Because I’m old enough to have friends who are my real-life medical doctors with real-life medical degrees from, like, really good schools who have been out of those really good schools for like, a really long time. Because we’re all 40. Yeah, it sucks. But the Botox does not suck. Just ask my 35-to-38-year-old looking face.

My son thinks it’s my 23rd birthday. My daughter thinks I’m going to be 70. Guess who is getting the better birthday present this year?

After 40 years on this earth, I’ve learned so many things. The most important one? Laser hair removal works really well if you just buy the damn package and do the sessions really close together. Seriously. Take it from a once-hairy Jewish girl who made it through the summer without a laser near her bikini line. And no, that’s not a humble brag. That’s a full on Brazilian brag. Just ask my friend Gisele. But don’t you dare mention her chin hair…

*Ladies Law is an amendment in the constitution that basically says women can say whatever, whenever and dudes have to accept it. If your gentleman doesn’t believe me, tell him to go read the entire US Constitution. It’s there. I just can’t remember where, but it is and that’s the end of this argument. 

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New Naked Eye Palette–Now S*%$’s Really Gettin’ Trivial


Urban Decay makeup

Yo, Kimmy from Maine who asked in a comment on my last blog post if my life was trivial, you’re going to LOVE this one…

Guess what’s coming out next month? The newest eye shadow palette from Urban Decay!!! (I’m giving eyeshadow three exclamation points because I don’t have anything to do today!!!)

Yep, Naked Smoky coming’s to a store near you.

You hear that Kimmy??? Lives are going to change.

Because Urban Decay knows that (wo)man cannot be expected to exist on only 3 palettes–namely Naked 1, Naked 2, and Naked 3–they are coming to our rescue with Naked Smoky, and I for one, am waiting on the edge of my well-worn-in couch.

So while I might not lead the most exciting life, as mentioned by my new friend, I will look damn good, with my new smoky, sexy eyes, waiting in line for the bathroom at Starbucks (see my last post.)

Naked Smoky Urban Decay is available on July 8.

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Bathroom Etiquette


images-1

Ok, I know you’re used to me writing about totally important things like world events, politics, Nepal and shoes, but today is going to be different.

Today, we’re talking about bathroom etiquette and not of the parent-child training variety.

Here’s the deal:

I spend about 85% of my life at Starbucks. You might think I’m embarrassed about that but I’m so not. It’s warm (in Chicago, I need a place to take shelter from the freezing temps of May), it’s friendly (the SB I work/live at is about .02 miles from my kids’ school, I know every third person who comes through the door), and they have coffee.

If I have to explain that last one, you clearly don’t know what it’s like to live with a java-addiction. Get down with your big, bad caffeine-free self. Go you.

The other thing they have at my favorite Starbucks (besides a free parking lot, which is EVERYTHING!) is a relatively clean bathroom. Ok, do not start posting comments that you sat on the seat and something bad happened to your downstairs area. I do NOT want to hear about it.

What I am saying is the Starbucks staff keeps the bathroom nice and tidy. Said washroom also requires a key. Thankfully.

SO…

To the woman who rolled her eyes at me when I said no thank you when you offered to return the bathroom key to the wall where it hangs, as I walked in to the restroom after you came out, let me explain why I refused your services.

If you return the key while I’m in there, it is as if the bathroom is unoccupied and available for someone to just pop on in as I squat over the seat. Now, I don’t want that happening in front of a stranger, do I honey? Even my 5 and 7-year-olds understand that.

However it took you, a 30-something woman, what I felt to be extensive explanation about why it wasn’t really a big deal for you to do it…as I stood with my legs crossed and my bladder filled to the brim with a gigantic Venti blonde roast.

I just wanted to make in peace. Honestly, I get to go to the bathroom by myself so rarely, that I kind of cherish the hours that my kids are in school to do so and don’t expect that I’ll have to spar with a grown woman about how to accomplish that. Just let mama pish, umkay?

So to recap, a hanging key on the wall means that the bathroom is available for anyone to enter. No key, no pee. Got it?

Seriously, do I have to potty train everyone?

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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: You binged it. Now what?


I Love Netflix The people have spoken: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is frigging awesome! But now that “the people,” aka. you, have binged it within a matter of days, what’s next? Here are a few of my Netflix Picks (Netflix Pix? It’s almost annoyingly cute.): If you love Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, it’s probably because you were a Rock 30 fan, so you’ve already watched that, right? RIGHT?! OK, if you haven’t, please do before we meet again. If you have, terrific, and check out Portlandia, Shameless, Californication or Undeclared. If you are desperately missing the ladies from Orange Is The New Black like I am, check out the Australian version called Wentworth or my favorite biker soap opera (and most likely the only) Sons of Anarchy. Want a drama? Yes, I know Scandal and Parenthood are everyone’s everything, but there are tons of dramatic series that are soooo worth blowing off your family for! For instance, try House of Cards, Lilyhammer, The Riches, or Twin Peaks (because it’s returning on Showtime in 2016, so you’re going to a refresher on who killed Laura Palmer.) I L.O.V.E. a good horror show, which is why I heart Sundays, cause that’s when the zombies come out! Yay Walking Dead!!! I even watch Talking Dead so I can get a recap immediately following each episode. Talking Dead is like Watch What Happens Live but thankfully Jax will never, ever be on it. I’m truly jealous of people who haven’t watched the series yet, it’s that incredible, however if zombies eating humans isn’t your thing (weirdo! You, not me,) try The Following, Dexter, or The Killing. Of course, those are all people killing people, but everyone likes their horror served up differently and I say, to each their own. Check out what’s on my must-watch list:

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Marco Polo Parks and Recreation The League Bloodline (So excited about this one!) Peaky Blinders

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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Binge It. Now.


unbreakable-kimmy-schmidt

Here are a few bad things that happened to me today…

  • I raced to school to drop off my kids so I could get to my doctor’s office on time for my early appointment this morning. Turns out my appointment is tomorrow.
  • I bought an oatmeal raisin cookie but it was really an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. Chocolate chips?! I couldn’t even count it as my fruit for the day.
  • The neighbor’s cat left a sweet little present at the bottom of the front steps of our house. That is, if you consider a dead mouse to be a sweet little present. I happen to prefer diamonds.

However, throughout all of this trauma (dramatic much Jo?) I managed to find a light at the end of the tunnel: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

In a word, this show is freaking awesome–ok, that’s two words, but you’ll forgive me the minute you start watching.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is Tina Fey’s comedy series for Netflix starring Ellie Kemper (The Office), Jane Krakowski (30 Rock), and Tituss Burgess and it’s nothing less than totally delightful! Even Jon Hamm, one of my favorite people, Jerry Minor, and Tina Fey make guest appearances to up the funny factor.

Trust me, bad moods don’t stand a chance against this unavoidably binge-able show. Not even chocolate chip-raisin mix-up ones.

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New Shape: Studio Lagree


workout, exercise, pilates, reformer, chicago

Forget religion. I’ve recently accepted exercise into my life. Ahhhhhhh…

It’s not completely my fault. I wasn’t exactly raised on fitness. In my family, walking the dog was consider a major calorie burn, so “sweating it out” was something I thought you did when you didn’t know the answer on a test, not something you did with free weights. Sorry mommy* and daddy, you’re perfect in every other way, and you’re both incredibly smart and beautiful inside and out.

We’re good, right?

So, when I was invited to check out Studio Lagree in Lincoln Park, I jumped at the chance.

Ok, I’m lying.

I actually procrastinated and I’ll explain why. I started running not too long ago. I’m not that good at it, but considering my lungs once put me in a coma, and there was a time when my legs didn’t work that well, I’m pretty proud to say that I ran (/walked) my first 5K this November for the Lynn Sage Cancer Research Foundation and there were plenty of people who came in after me. There were many more people before me, but still…

Despite my so-so running and over-all exercising abilities, I was a little nervous to try Lagree. Why? Well, I always do my research–look over the company’s website, talk to people, etc.–and on their site were testimonials. I LOVE testimonials!

I especially love celebrity testimonials because I’m fascinated by celebrities, so when I read Courtney Cox’s that basically said the class kicks her wonderfully-toned-and-constantly-worked-out body, I couldn’t for the life of me imagine how the f*&% I was going to get through it!

I’m just Jo. I’m no Cox. (Kind of thank G-d because that nickname is the worst!)

Then I thought, if Monica Geller-Bing, the former Big Fat Goalie, could do it, I could do it too! I went to class, fueled by Starbucks, the drink of pro athletes everywhere, prepared to do my competitive best, which is pretty darn competitive. I have this thing where I am determined to be the “best” person in any workout class. I can’t tell you what the “best” is–maybe I was hoping that Sebastien Lagree, creator of the Megaformer, would pick me out of the crowd and give me a lifetime contract as the face of Lagree because I could do every exercise perfectly? Maybe he’d tell me he was quitting and handing over the entire business to me because he couldn’t compete with my form? Considering I have,

1. No interest in owning a fitness company…

2. No interest in putting the man out of business…

I’m not sure what I was competing for, but in my mind, I wanted to “win” whatever “it” was.

BTW, it was an #epicfail, but #whitegirlgaveitherall.

Walking into Lagree was a bit intimidating but exciting because they showed me to this lovely machine, a M3 Megaformer that tricked me into thinking that the class might not be too hard because it had so much comfy padding.

Lying exercise machine!

Despite the deceptive contraption they put me on, the staff and owner couldn’t have been kinder and they had more than enough trainers in the class to make sure I was always in the proper position, using the machine correctly and feeling stable during the reformer/cardio/core strengthening exercises. They also provided a stability bar for peeps like me who can get a bit wiggly in the beginning. The moves weren’t too difficult to get into, and while you could determine the level at which you wanted to perform each exercise, you really couldn’t coast thru this class. But why would you want to?

Every muscle was used, even the ones I didn’t know I had in underneath the ones I was using! Or maybe they were behind some of the ones I use on occasion but whatever. I felt it the next day…and the day after that…and the day after. And then it didn’t hurt anymore. And strangely, I actually craved the classes the minute I left. That doesn’t happen to me with exercise, but I can’t wait to go back. Maybe because it was a challenge that I know I have to work up to and that I know I’ll get without a doubt, but mainly because I know that after a short period of time in this class, I’m going to look killer.

And with a body like Court’s, I’m kind of looking forward to showing off come summer.

*A hearty mazel to my mom who has recently also accepted exercise into her life. She’s praying to The Bar Method gods in Highland Park and is already looking amaz-ing. Keep it up, Mama Yo!

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Play-Doh And Other Inappropriate Kids’ Toys


toys, kids, parents, games

Play-“Duh!”

What’s worse than losing your job right before the holidays? Losing your job right after the new year. And if I were a betting girl, and I do love Las Vegas, so I am, I’m going to guess the person in charge of creating this toy for Play-Doh,

Play Doh, toys, Christmas, penis

Play-Doh Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain Playset

might not have a position with the company post-holiday season. Why you ask? The Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain looks innocent enough, you say? Check out the left corner of the picture above…the purple shot-looking device. Well, one mom claims it “ruined” her Christmas when she gave it to her child, and here is why…careful, Play-Doh comes out:

Play-doh, toy, kids, parenting

Photo from Twitter

Personally, I think this is the funniest thing is the world. Personally, I’m about as mature as a junior high schooler. I’m ok with it. Penises are hilarious, especially when they are plastic and come in a playset for your kids that they are supposed to, get this, pack Play-Doh into and then squeeze Play-Doh out of the tip. I mean, you can’t make this shit up! So in honor of the PR nightmare aka. the Play-Doh Penis in the Sweet Shoppe (I mean, I can’t stop!), and the new year that I can only imagine will bring many new PR nightmares for a whole bunch of inappropriate children’s toys, let’s look back at other not-so-appropriate toys for kids from years past…’cause they’re so damn funny! The Balzac toy, game, kids, parents         It’s a ball, balloon thing. Yo, toy manufacturers, here’s a little secret. These days, schools are allowing kids to learn how to spell by sounding out words and not correcting them. So if they want to spell ball sack, Balzac, than so be it. But do you really want your kids kicking it around on the playground? Harry Potter’s Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broomstick

kids, parents, toys, games, Harry Potter

Photo from TIME

When girls of all ages starting spending a LOT of time in their bedrooms with their new favorite vibrating toy, parents wondered if the plastic broomstick was the best money ever spent or if their 12-17-year-olds were really that into the little wizard boy? Oh cute, mom and dad accidentally bought their sweetheart her first vibrator. That’s special. To all you Potter freaks, it’s no longer on the market, so you’re out of luck. Barbie Sweet Talking Ken Doll

toys, kids, parents, games, dolls

Photo from Amazon

Can we call this one, Pervy Pervert Ken? I mean, you can record up to 5 seconds of anything you want and he’ll repeat it back. Ewww. Gross. Here’s the deal, when I was really little (confession time) I sat in my dad’s office and swore for about 20 minutes straight on a tape recorder. I said every single swear I knew and some poor secretary probably found it in his drawer and thought his daughter had major issues. There is no doubt in my mind, any child who owns this disgustingly creepy Ken will do something similar. Please don’t let me be the only one.

As I look forward to 2015, I can’t wait for what toy drama the year promises to bring…will it be another scrotum-like kickball? A don’t-let-your-daughters-near-this-doll Ken? A penis pushing Play-Doh? A mom can dream, can’t she? Here is the whole Play-Doh penis story at E! Online

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