My housekeeper/nanny broke up with us in a text message.
That’s worse than a Post-It, right? I think so.
Though our whole family is sad about the situation, no one is suffering like me. After all, I’m the one who has to wash AND fold the towels. Ok, that might not sounds so bad, but I forgot to say put away the towels. I also have to put them away…BY MYSELF! And I can no longer dash out for a mid-afternoon manicure. Suffering I tell you!
So what’s a mom without a housekeeper/nanny to do? Here’s my list:
Start drinking. Heavily. After the kids go to sleep. Sometimes before the kids go to sleep.
Stop sleeping. Even if there were enough hours in the day to get everything done, you need to leave a few hours to stay up at night worrying about how you’re going to get everything done during the day. That way, you can gain sympathy points the next day with your husband and friends when you tell them how little sleep you get because you’re so stressed out.
Buy really, really good under eye concealer. You have to look effortlessly flawless so that when you complain to said husband and girlfriends about getting no sleep and having more stress than anyone else, they have to comment about how good you look!
Flake out. Stop showing up for all of the meetings/volunteer positions/conference calls/carpools that you’ve committed to. You now have an excuse to be a total douche. Keep you name on all invitation committee lists so you still seem really philanthropic.
Start Talking Like a Southern Belle of the 60’s. Whenever possible, explain to anyone, especially other moms, about your traumatic situation. Use your hand to fan yourself like you’re going to faint. Make really stressed out faces and huff a lot (oy, I totally do this-for realsies!) and refer to the employee you’re hoping to hire as The Help. It’s completely PC because it was a movie.
Complain Loudly. And Often. Especially to people who will understand how hard it is on you to not have anyone at your house picking up after you, watching your kids or washing your dishes. Like your manicurist. Or your masseuse.
If you don’t like my suggestions, I’m sorry but I’m exhausted. Did I tell you what happened with my nanny…