May 01 2013
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celebrities, fashion, Fashion Dirt, Food Dirt, Mommy Dirt, parenting, Real Dirt

I Heart Elizabeth Street!




Turns out, even though I don my favorite pair of sweats pretty often, Elizabeth Street thinks I’m cool! And stylish to boot! Man, have I got people fooled or what???!

If you don’t know what Elizabeth Street is, it’s a gorgeous site for moms that profiles some of “the world’s most fashionable cities” which have included New York, London, Paris, LA and Milan. Thanks to the stylish ladies who lunch, parent, work, and do just about everything else in our fair city, Chicago was recently added to the list. I feel fortunate to join some of the very coolest Chicago moms I know on the site. Plus, my picture is on the same page as Giuliana Rancic’s and I’m pretty sure this is the closest I’ll ever get to being able to say we run in the same circle, so I’m extra psyched!

I’m actually a longtime Elizabeth Street fan so I was thrilled when I was asked to be profiled. I came across it back in the days when I was trying to put together a website for moms that would profile women from all over the country who would share their “favorite” lists…you know, their favorite stroller, favorite diaper bag, favorite place to eat with kids, etc. I bothered me so much during my first pregnancy that I couldn’t find product/clothing/lifestyle advice from moms I could relate to online. Instead of knowing what I really needed, I spent a gazillion dollars on 7 different strollers, 5 of which I didn’t need. Yes, you read that correctly—we’ve had 7 strollers and only 2 kids.

Consider this example: During one inexperienced web search, I decided I needed to have this one particular folding stroller that I could take on the subway because what if I became the mom who was also eco-chic and started taking the El everywhere? I had to have THE right stroller. And anyway, the parents in the ad for it looked so hip and cool, I couldn’t wait to be like them.

Flash forward to my reality: I drive everywhere. I’ve been on the El once with my kids and I couldn’t even bring the stupid stroller I bought in an effort to look like that hip urban mama because the seat broke the second time we used the damn thing. Oh yeah, and I ended up being too lazy busy to actually create my “relatable moms” website, so thank g-d for Elizabeth Street.

Another bonus? Elizabeth Street is a great place to find style advice from moms like Jessica Seinfeld, Rosie Pope, Busy Phillips, and Rachel Zoe who are super glam, but, with the exception of maybe Zoe, all probably have a pair of favorite sweats just like me–even if it goes unmentioned.

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Apr 05 2013
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Baby Dirt, Kid Dirt, Mommy Dirt, parenting, Real Dirt

How My Parenting Style Has Changed


Hilary Duff has son Luca in a grocery cart cover.

How long before she ditches the cart cover?


I work a lot at Whole Foods. Not in the produce department, but rather I like grabbing lunch and using their free Wi-Fi when I just can’t stand another day of writing at Starbucks, so I’m here a whole lot. Being that it’s a grocery store and not a real office, I see a ton of parents make there way in and out of the building, so I’m always making judgments–don’t pretend you don’t too.

And whereas the younger, childless me might have sat here thinking, “What the hell is she wearing?” the older, mom of two can’t help but look at the parents and see what they are doing with their own kids. For instance, today I saw a mom pushing a grocery cart with a little boy, who was probably between 18-24 months old, sitting inside. Of course, like all good new moms with children under 3 do, she was using a grocery cart cover for her son. I say kids under 3 not because there is an age limit on the cover, or really even the cart seat itself, but let’s face it, after a few years of having to remember to bring that thing into the store with you every time, you stop using it.

Not to sound too Carrie Bradshaw-ish, but I couldn’t help but think: When did I decide my kids were old enough to not care about grocery cart germs?

I’m guessing it was around the same time that I realized that the cover was a huge pain in the ass to remember to bring in from the garage so I could wash it every single time I went to the store or used a highchair at a restaurant, but it’s like my diaper bag. At some point, I got so sick of carrying around that back-breaking *Marc Jacobs bag that I begged my husband to buy me, even though the shoulder straps were never long enough to carry comfortably, I was so psyched to retire it.

Was it because everything was covered in formula powder from a package that had spilled at the bottom? Maybe. Was it because I really missed some of my other pursues? Sure. But mainly, I think it was simply a rite of passage in parenting. Basically, 5 years later, I think I have a pretty good handle on what I have to have with me for my kids when I leave the house–and to be honest, with a CVS, GAP, and grocery store on every corner, I can always buy whatever I’m missing. It might sound stupid to some, but it seems more reasonable to stop at the store for one snack rather than carry around a 100 pound diaper bag full of them.

So what about you? What have you stopped carrying around now that you’re kids aren’t babies anymore? Stop by my office on your way out of Whole Foods and tell me…

*I should probably mention the MJ bag was the third designer diaper bag I swore up and down to my husband was a total necessity, so I wasn’t willing to admit it was a mistake.To be honest, it’s actually difficult for me to admit anything by Marc Jacobs is a mistake, so let’s just pretend it’s not happening.

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Apr 03 2013
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celebrities, Celebrity Dirt, fashion, Fashion Dirt, Hollywood

My Love Hate Relationship With Anne Hathaway


Anne Hathaway at the 2013 Academy Awards

A mirror at the fitting might have helped

Here’s the deal: I used to love Anne Hathaway. She played the role of a girl in my dream job in The Devil Wears Prada–ok, maybe I didn’t want to be an assistant to the assistant at Vogue, but I certainly wouldn’t have minded being a fashion editor who had access to the accessories closet and styling department.

Actually, Anne may have been my favorite actress until Rachel Getting Married. That ruined it a little for me. Everyone was drooling over it and I just thought that movie was awful. I know, it’s so anti-Academy of me to say, but I hated it. Two hours of never-ending rehearsal dinner speeches from every single actor in the room plus a post-rehab mess, plus a child’s death equalled me wasting a precious date night with my husband.

And then Anne did Bride Wars and all was forgiven. No, I don’t think it was a good movie–(OMG I LOVED IT)–but I’m a sucker for a best-friend-chick-flick, so sue me. I also felt so bad for Anne for having to carry the Oscars in 2011, that I think I started loving her again out of pure pity.

And then she did Les Miserable.

As much as I hated what she did to one of my all time favorite songs, I defended her. I probably did it more out of sheer jealousy that she could lose so much weight for a role when I’ve been trying to lose 10 pounds for about 15 years, but nevertheless, I defended her.

Actually, had she been kept out of the Oscars race, Anne and I would have continued along fine, enjoying our (completely one-sided and totally imaginary) friendship that we have in my head where we’re not exactly close friends, but we-say-hi-how-are-you-when-we-see-each-other fake friends.

So here I was, trying to have this semi-friendly thing going on and she has to kill it with her acceptance speeches. I wanted to write her this letter:

Dear Annie,

I know we’re not that close, but I feel like I have to tell you that the world only has room for one humble-yet-adorably/annoyingly-excited Oscar winner and her name is Julia. Yes, as in Roberts. Unless you actually ARE Julia Roberts, you are not allowed to play coy and cute on the Oscar stage. You just look insincere. And we all know, Hollywood actresses are nothing if not sincere.

By the way, want to grab sushi this weekend or are you still on your one cracker a day diet?

Love,

Jo

Anne’s Golden Globes speech annoyed me, but I, once again, forgave her because she’s young and she shouldn’t have won–I too was surprised, but it wasn’t like it was an Oscar.

However by the time the Oscars rolled around and gossip (true or false) about hiring speech writers, taking acting lessons to help her feign excitement and all the other crap in the tabloids was out, I was so far over Anne, I almost didn’t watch her category. Ok, that’s a lie. Nothing would have kept me from Oscar, but I’m trying to make a dramatic point. In the end, thank god she wore that horrible nipple dress–at least I had something to laugh at.

So I had this Anne Hathaway conversation with someone today, who actually brought it up to me. The person I was talking to had absolutely NO love for the Hath. So I posed a question:

Which actress should have played Fantine in Les Miserable?

Post your pick in the comments below.

PS: I’m going to the MTV Movie Awards in a few weeks and guess who is nominated for an award?! Looks like this post is gonna get a little follow-up.

 

 

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Mar 12 2013
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Kid Dirt, Mommy Dirt, Real Dirt

Mattel in Hot Water After Saying Moms Don’t Know How to Play With Hot Wheels – Moms


Wait, how does this work?

I wrote an article today for Wetpaint about how the Mattel toy company is basically blaming moms for poor sales of Hot Wheels. The execs behind the toy cars believe that moms don’t really understand how to play with cars, and what’s even more insulting, that moms don’t know how to connect through play with their sons because we mainly love dolls and anything that sparkles. Now I do love my sparkles, but I’ve been known to spend a fair amount of time on the floor cashing Hot Wheels into each other. How else does Mattel think I get out my aggression?

I wish I was one of those people who could say, “Well maybe they have a point. After all, I’m a woman. Maybe I could learn to play better with my son.” But I’m not. All I hear is that because I’m just a woman, I couldn’t possibly understand how a teeny, tiny metal toy car works. Kind of makes me want to flip off the sales and marketing peeps at Mattel, tell them, as I would my own son, to man up and take responsibility for their own shitty sales, and march straight to Target and Toys-R-Us to demand reimbursement for the hundreds of dollars I’ve spent on buying my son Hot Wheels and Hot Wheels accessories.

Also, before you read the link, I would like to suggest to Mattel that their declining sales are a little less my fault, and probably a little more Mater and McQueen’s.

Mattel in Hot Water After Saying Moms Don’t Know How to Play With Hot Wheels – Moms.

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Feb 18 2013
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Baby Dirt, Kid Dirt, Mommy Dirt, Real Dirt

How to Avoid Temper Tantrums


I’m posting this piece about avoiding temper tantrums, because I’m pretty sure every single parent I know has been there before…and if you say you haven’t, you’re a big, fat liar.

Temper tantrums suck–they are embarrassing, inconvenient, and make you question your parenting skills. I know I personally wonder if I’m altering the course of my children’s lives every time I say no to something–all I can think is, “Is this going to be the thing that puts her/him in therapy?”

Of course, I then remember, like all good parents, I have years and years to fuck them up really good until they’re both therapy-worthy…

Loop du Loop – How to Avoid Temper Tantrums.

 

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Feb 10 2013
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BREAKING DIRT!, celebrities, Celebrity Dirt, fashion, Fashion Dirt, Hollywood, Real Dirt

Grammy Uncoverage


I wasn’t going to be the blogger who posted each time an award show airs, but since I watch as part of my real job, I have to say something about what’s going on on my TV right now. To start off, I’m watching Fuse News with Alexa Chung (who is so desperately thin, she looks like she’d like to eat one of the celebrities she’s interviewing) and some other dude, on the red carpet of the Grammys because my cable is out so we’re getting spotty channel coverage. I’m a huge celeb junkie, so I’m pairing Fuse (which by the way is the WORST interviewing I’ve ever seen ever–literally) with online photos and I only have one thing to say. Gross.

First, JLo, what the F!!! You do realize that you’re having a mid-life crisis in front of the entire world, right? Seriously, combine your outfit from back in the day (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you probably don’t know who Jennifer Lopez is), your Jolie copycat dress from tonight, and that nude/crystal bodysuit that you love wearing on stage, and basically, we all know what you look like naked. Listen, it’s great that you think you can pull this dress off, and I love hate to be the one to tell you but there is a picture of you on Yahoo! in your current dress that shows a little celli. I’m not slamming you for having cellulite. Everyone has it–skinny, little model girls get cellulite. But if you have it, maybe cover it up with a dress that has a hem that’s a touch longer than your right butt check. But that’s just my opinion.

The second thing I notice is that there are four main categories of dress at the Grammys:

  • Dirty. Just rolled out of bed, don’t give a crap, people will think I’m cool because I’m so important, I don’t even need to shower before I show up to a televised red carpet event. People that fall in this category include Jack Black, Skrillex (whoever that is), Deadmau5 (again–who???), and, heartbreakingly, Mumford & Sons–because my kids love them.
  • Confused. Where am I? There are so many people who look like they are trying to get into a club instead of mugging for the paps, like that Big Bang Theory chick (why is she there?) She’s in a blazer and leather leggings. I wore the same thing to a parents night out event for my kids’ preschool. Even I probably would have changed into something a little more Grammys and a little less mom-actually-gets-a-childless-night-out-to-drink-wine. Again, that’s just me. It also pains me to say this, because I love her, but the outfit that Beyonce is wearing would have been my second choice for my parents’ night out. Just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean you have to fire your stylist or wear high waisted tight pants that give you a camel toe. No, B, it’s quite the opposite!
  • Weird for the sake of being weird. There’s so much trying going on on the red carpet, I’m getting exhausted just watching these people try so hard to make it seem like being different is normal for them. Weirdo highlights include FUN. for wearing PeeWee Herman teeny, tiny skinny trouser suits that hit right around their delicate, sock-free ankles. I have to say, one dude in this look might have passed for ‘they’re weird but whatever’ but the trio of peddle pusher suits-on-men makes them look boy band-ish, and also makes me so happy that I’m not dating anymore because, if this is what men think is attractive to women, I’d be very single. About 80% of the rest of the crowd looks totally weirdo, even including Katy Perry, who I bet thought she was mainstreaming more than usual for her, but just looks like a mint green version of Morticia Addams. She also happens to look pretty pissed, so I have to assume she’s angry with boyfriend John Mayer because, well, he’s John Mayer.
  • Overdressed. It’s the Grammys, not the Oscars. White, flowing chiffon has no place on the red carpet, but no one called Taylor Swift to tell her. Or they did, but Taylor didn’t answer because she’s laying low since being called out for publicly humiliating every single male she’s ever dated. Taylor’s dress is gorge, but it’s just the wrong time. Don’t worry TayTay! With a track record like yours, you’re bound to be a bride enough times to wear a hefty number of long, white dresses. Ok, and now I have to deal with Rihanna–I love red, I love the peek-a-boos. I love the dress but I’m so confused (so you can also be placed in category #2.) You don’t even leave your house to hit up the grocery store without wearing some totally bizarre outfit, but now, for the Grammys of all places, you’re going ladylike? I just don’t get it. And by the way, if you have any intentions of standing next to your abuser boyfriend, who is in all white, you will look like you’re on your way to a Schaumburg prom.

So now’s the part of the post where I get to do my best and worst picks.

Best is easy for me–Jordyn Blum Grohl (Dave Grohl’s wife). She is wearing the black and white Marc Jacobs dress that almost brought me to tears the first time I saw it (in the Spring runway show, if you care.) Jordyn looks perfect. Period. Also, I think the Doogie Howsers look so fantastic. I’m just throwing that out there.

The worst is–OMG–where to start?

Since it’s not really fair to compare this crowd, I’m splitting the category into the worst dressed real-celebrity-so-you-should-know-better and the worst dressed D-lister. So the worst dressed real celeb award goes to-I hate this, but I have to do it-Adele. Darling, you’re supposed to walk the red carpet, not wear it! And the final worst dressed D-lister award goes to Lisa D’Amato. I…I…I just don’t know what to say. I think you wanted to be edgy-weird and Swiss Miss-y but it just makes me want to puke.

What about you? Who were your best and worst dressed?

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Jan 27 2013
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BREAKING DIRT!, Celebrity Dirt, Fashion Dirt, Mommy Dirt

Red Carpet Couture


Julianne Moore, SAG Awards, celebrities, Hollywood

Oy. Just oy.

The one thing all of my friends can say about me (besides whatever they say behind my back that I don’t want to know) is how much I worship pop culture. I’m a junkie. Especially when it comes to celebrities, “the industry”, fashion, models, etc., etc. So when I landed my dream job a few months ago covering celebrity news, I was jazzed to say the least. And they let me cover award shows. Now, I did that once, long ago, for free, I might add. I sat in the E! office in LA and watched 5 red carpet events during the Oscars and wrote down (with a pen and paper) who wore what. I really thought it was the best way to spend my free time after work.

These days, I’ve upgraded to a laptop along with the rest of the world, but I’m still just as critical about red carpet fashion as I ever was, as my friends and editors will tell you. So I figured I might as well share my thoughts on tonight’s SAG Awards, which according to Julianne Moore, wasn’t just the title of the show, but an unattractive way to display her tatas. I kid, I kid. Ok, I’m totally not. See for yourself!

Thanks to my friends at E! Online (click for pics), who I feel owe me something for correctly identifying Gwyneth Paltrow’s pink Oscar dress as a Ralph Lauren without asking for so much as a PA credit, I have photos to match my critique, so watch out…I’m on fire.

Anne Hathaway: For the record, I love it. This awards season, she’s carrying herself like a middle aged woman anyway, so at least her dress is a little fun. However, don’t think I don’t notice how ill-fitting it is on top, Annie.

Jennifer Lawrence: You get a million points for wearing navy blue, but you had to go and ruin a perfect score by looking like a couture mother of the bride. Listen, the dress is gorgeous, and if you were the same letter as my generation, you’d kill it. But don’t you play a teenager in the Hunger Games? Tip to you and Anne–you don’t have to pretend you’re an old lady just because you’re nominated in the same category as some. Jeez, lighten up.

Jessica Chastain: If someone says redheads shouldn’t wear red, they’re utterly jealous of Jessica Chastain. This is as close to Jessica Rabbit as we’ll ever seen in real life. Yeah to all involved in picking this beauty!

Amanda Seyfried: Again, go navy! Also, I happen to think you are really pretty in general, so try to remember that when I say this. Your dress is a mess. A gorgeous, wrinkled mess. If only you had walked to the show instead of sitting in the limo, I might have been able to forgive you for the seams that run directly down your nipples.

Frida Pinto: This woman is so amazingly beautiful but she seriously needs to hire a stylist–or at least a good one–before I start making jokes like, “Why is she so aFRIDA picking a pretty dress?”

Naomi Watts: Perfection. I’m leaving it at that.

Nina Dobrev: I almost don’t know who you are, but if I had your body, I would wear what you wore tonight-plus or minus sleeves. This would have been incredible with long, slim sleeves, especially with the lace inserts on the side, but I recognize that you didn’t actually sew the dress, so we’re all good.

Julianna Margulies: You are lucky you are such a talented actress because you can’t dress to save your life. Fortunately, you’re such a Good Wife, it doesn’t seem to matter.

Sally Field: Sally! Do something! Your boobs are melting! Or at least, they look like they are.

Eddie Redmayne: I’m going there. I like it. If Justin Timberlake can dress like he’s guest DJ’ing at a club on New Year’s Eve in Vegas, why can’t Eddie wear brown? And he gives us a chance to line drop from one of our favorite movies…Is that velvet?

Amy Poehler: It’s like she’s jjjjjuuuusssstttttt about there this season, but she’s misses the gold medal by thatmuch. She’s so adorable and she still seems genuinely happy for her bestie when she beats her for an award. I’ll take a good friend over good fashion anytime. Apparently Amy will too.

Alec Baldwin: He looks awesome in his tux–and I thank him for actually wearing one–but what the f is happening on his head???

Elizabeth Moss: Love the dress…for the after party. I like you so much, but please note, Mad Men will end (at max it can last 10 years because it’s about a specific decade), and considering you’re not exactly a household name, you might not have a ton of these left to attend so maybe you should take advantage and dress up? I’m just putting it out there. Don’t hate me.

Jim Parson: I LOVE this. It’s so him and totally cute. It’s dapper and different. Go You!

Ellie Kemper: Oh, honey. NO! No, no, no, no, no!

Darren Criss: He’s adorable on Glee and even cuter on the red carpet. And he’s in Calvin Klein, so there’s that!

Busy Philipps: Ok. I’m in pain. Not because of the dress (I love a train-anything that has the potential to trip another celebrity is awesome), and definitely not because of the belly-I love both, independent of each other. The necklace is killer. The hair is so cool. But I can see your belly button through your dress and that’s the pregnant equivalent to accidentally flashing side boob double stick tape. Sorry, mama.

Morena Baccarin: I have to say this. I hate your outfits on your show. They dress you like an Anne Taylor junkie and it’s painful for me. My guess? You hate them too. So you ripped them apart and sewed them all together to create this nightmare. You seriously would have looked more appropriate, and a million times better, naked.

Jenna Fischer: You literally look like your character, Pam, if she was invited to one of these things. You’re so much better than this!

Peter Facinelli & Vitalie Tattinger: I recognize that because there are so many bad fashions here, I might be sounding a little negative, and since I don’t have anything nice to say, I’m just going to say this: Champagne! Yum!

Giuliana Rancic: Girlfriend looks amaze balls in color, so snaps for this Max Azria dress. My only off comment would be that I’m not totally sure how I feel about her sleeve and her hair matching. But that’s the only bad thing I’m saying and it’s not even that bad.

Sofia Vergara: I almost want to cry. I LOVE this woman! I love her so much, I’ve purchased black rouched leggings from her line at KMart. And now you know. But this is bad. It’s really bad. I almost want to put a disclaimer in here saying if you look at pictures of her in the white satin dress that looks so cheap, I actually thought it was from KMart, to beware of possible corneal ulcers. What’s worse? It’s actually Donna Karan. See, price doesn’t not equal pretty. And don’t you forget it.

Kelly Osbourne: Wow! Engagement looks good on you lady!!! So does your black studded Jenny Packham gown, even with the purple hair. The accessories-double wow! Only you can pull all that off. You are definitely on my top looks of the night list!

Nancy O’Dell: I wish I understood the obsession some women have with pageant-style dresses. I just don’t get it. How does one put this one and think it looks good? I’m so confused. But the color’s good. Oy, no it’s not. I can’t do it.

Lea Michele: I love Valentino, but even a genius can make a mistake. This, friends, is definitely one of them. I love the color, but everything else is a hot mess-it doesn’t fit at all, which I will say is NOT Valentino’s fault (insert name of stylist instead), but the bottom of this dress looks like the prairie skirt I had in 3 grade. God, I wish I still had that skirt. But, even the 3rd grade me would have known better than to wear this dress on a red carpet.

January Jones: You guys are KILLING ME! What the hell is this? I know what my friends are thinking–it slightly, just slightly, resembles the halter top of my Monique Lhuilier rehearsal dinner dress, except that mine fit perfectly, thanks to my wonderful, stylish, yet a little OCD, mom. Also, the rest of my dress was short and sweet and didn’t look like I went to JoAnn Fabric and draped myself in whatever black material I could find. January, you have a remarkable figure. Show it off and stop embarrassing me!

The cast of Downton: You all look beautiful, appropriate, and, as of about 20 minutes ago, like winners. Jolly good job. Even the one wearing mustard yellow and especially Michelle Dockery. Only a Brit can do side boob and make it look classy. Well done.

Ok, so who is my best dressed? For best dressed man: The ones who wore classic black tuxedos. I just appreciate you. Even those of you who dressed ‘em down with a long tie. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Affleck. And best dressed woman? Well, that’s easy: Michelle Dockery, Kelly Osbourne, Jessica Chastain…ok, it’s not that easy.

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Jan 03 2013
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Mommy Dirt

A Few Thoughts…


Image

I learned a lot last year. A few highlights include:

  • My kids are smarter and cooler than me and they’re 3 and 4-years old.
  • Old friends are awesome.
  • New friends can be just as awesome as the old ones who know you really well.
  • It’s OK to say “no” sometimes. Especially when it comes to volunteering or hosting. Most people won’t think you’re a stuck-up, self-indulgent snot. Some will. Oh well.
  • Just because the first season of American Horror Story was amazing, doesn’t mean that I have to love the second season, which is good, because I don’t.
  • It’s fine to be in love with a serial killer, a terrorist, or a zombie, as long as you aren’t married to one. (As in Dexter, Homeland, and The Walking Dead.)
  • Most people think they are classy. Most of them aren’t. I learned that from the housewives on Bravo.
  • A famous pregnant woman is much more important than a regular pregnant one. Us Weekly and People taught me that. And babies of celebrities actually can have stylists. Even if it was a joke on Friends over a decade ago.
  • Fat celebrities who can’t shut up about how much they love their curves, who then go on diets and say they didn’t love being fat, aren’t consider liars, but role models.
  • If I cough, sneeze or jump, there’s a 99% chance that I’ll pee a little. Alas, I still adore my kids. Even if it’s all their fault.
  • My daughter danced naked in front of a party of adults and kids on NYE. It was a 5 minute choreographed routine performed in the nude, with the exception of a New Year’s top hat. My husband was horrified. I was in heaven. My son followed up with his version of a breakdance. What did I learn? I seriously love my family.

So what did you learn last year? And by the way…happy 2013!

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Dec 17 2012
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Kid Dirt, Mommy Dirt, Real Dirt

My 2012 Silver Lining


family, resolution, 2012, new year

We got through 2012 and we’re still smiling!

This weekend, my husband had a conversation with a friend of ours who mentioned that 2012 may not have been our best year. The funny thing is that I never thought of it in that way.

Yes, we did have a whole bunch of shitty incidences take place throughout the last 12 months, especially over the summer as I noted in my post Is It August Yet?, but ultimately, I still feel pretty blessed.

So instead of sharing all the ways in which my life sucked this year, in a totally unexpected turn of events, here are all of the reasons why my life ruled in 2012:

After applying to school for the last two years, we got in! My son now attends an awesome private school that goes through 8th grade and will allow us to stay put in the city for as long as we want. Oh yeah, and my daughter will get to go there too, so ahhhhhh…

My husband and I had our 6th anniversary. We’re in a whole lot of love. On top of that, we actually like each other. I’d rather be with him than almost anyone else in the world. I get that it’s only been 6 years, but that’s still pretty cool, right?

My kids are growing up. They aren’t babies anymore. They love each other. Even when they are fighting about who gets to open the garage door. They make me totally crazy and totally happy at the same time. I literally don’t remember what it was like before they came along but I do know that it was never this good.

I have managed to keep all of my current friends and make some amazing new ones. I’m a horrible telephone friend…I literally can’t stand talking on the phone because I never know how to get off and it stresses me out. But I love my friends. They mean the world to me, and I’d be a pretty lonely little lady without them. So cheers to them!

All 4 of my kids’ grandparents are happy and healthy. Not to jinx it, but I have a good feeling they’ll be attending school performances and ballet recitals for years to come. Thankfully. For all of us.

I went to the Neimans/Target and Kohl’s/Narciso Rodriguez mashups and got everything I wanted before it sold out! Ok, that’s a shallow one, but as a lover of all things fashion, it was a lot of fun for me to stand in line at Target at 7:30AM on a Saturday morning and be a part of the designer-blue-light-special hubbub. I did go to the H&M/Maison Martin Margiela sale but I waited a few days on that one since there was a whole system of wristbands and camping out that was totally freaky, even to me. After all, Saturday morning at Target seemed a hell of a lot more sane than sleeping out on Michigan Avenue to get a weirdo pair of pants from H&M. I’m a normal person, not a clothing-crazed lunatic. Well, at least that’s how I see myself.

So you get the point. I’m a pretty happy chick. I feel lucky because the fact of the matter is that everyone has crappy days, crappy months and even crappy years. But one lesson that stuck out for me this year is that everyone is someone else’s best case scenario.

Am I jealous of my friends who didn’t have a lice infestation or who went on family vacations that didn’t end up in the ER? Sure. But somewhere, someone is wishing upon a star that they had come up with the name Dirt From The Playground, had a loving, adorable family and got the very last ice blue, chunky, cropped, cardigan sweater from the MMM line at H&M. So HA!

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Nov 19 2012
4 Comments
Kid Dirt, Mommy Dirt, Real Dirt

Screw That!


Disney, Cars, toy packaging, McQueen

Are you kidding me, Disney Store?
Image: Disney.com

Usually, this would be the time of year that I’d start asking around about the latest and greatest in toys and general “stuff” ideas for a 3-year old girl and 4-year old boy for Chanukah. I’d scour the Internet for top 10 lists, best of 2012 lists and whatever else anyone is listing off for me to make my shopping list.

This year is different.

This year, I’m going for shit that I can get out of the packaging without a tool.

Seriously, I just finished opening a toy for my son this morning that, I swear to Hasboro, I’ve been trying to remove since 2008. Ok, I’m exaggerating, but the pain in my forearms from using a screwdriver for so long has made me a little nuts. Let me explain…

I innocently purchased a Cars car set from the Disney store for my little car-loving dude. Yes, he already had 4 out of 5 of the cars in the package at home, but it was not worth the temper tantrum to re-explain that to him for a 4th time. Yes, I’m that mom. Secretly, I’m sure my husband curses me and my “parenting” techniques, but I say, if he doesn’t like it, he can stay home with the kids all day. My guess is upon that suggestion, he’d give up groceries in exchange for toys.

So we got home from the store and of course, before I could even remove my shoes and coat, my son was all up in my face to get those damn cars out of the box. Since they have been sealed into the packaging better than a heart en route to the hospital for a transplant, I got out my ziplock of tools. My toy-opening-tool-kit includes 3 different small screwdrivers, 2 larger screwdrivers, a pocket knife, and a mini bottle of vodka. If you’ve ever attempted to open a toy for a crying child, you know the importance of the mini vodka. Actually, you know the importance of a full-size bottle of vodka, but the mini’s small enough to fit in a ziplock.

Using all my strength, I ripped open the plastic packaging, receiving only minor cuts and scrapes on my fingers and one broken nail, to reveal that the bottom of the package had every die-cast car locked into place with screws that are longer than those holding together most of my living room furniture.

I placed the first little screwdriver into 1 of 2 of the screws in a car, and remembering, righty-tighty, lefty loosey, I began turning to the left. And turning to the left. And turning to the left.

Ok, so about 15 minutes later, I had half of one car removed, so I took a bathroom break, knowing that I was in for at least an hour more of hard labor.

Here are two things that came from this painful experience. First, I realized it’s really ok that I don’t go to a gym to workout. My guns have been created by Disney, thanks to their ridiculous packaging. They’re not the only toy company to do this to parents, but seriously, I’ve tried on diamond jewelry that wasn’t as well protected as these stupid 5 cent cars.

Second, do the toy companies know they’re ruining holidays, birthdays and just-a-little-something occasions? I thought the hard part of gift giving was coming up with the idea. Turns out the hardest part is actually getting it out of the box!

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