Oy. Just oy.
The one thing all of my friends can say about me (besides whatever they say behind my back that I don’t want to know) is how much I worship pop culture. I’m a junkie. Especially when it comes to celebrities, “the industry”, fashion, models, etc., etc. So when I landed my dream job a few months ago covering celebrity news, I was jazzed to say the least. And they let me cover award shows. Now, I did that once, long ago, for free, I might add. I sat in the E! office in LA and watched 5 red carpet events during the Oscars and wrote down (with a pen and paper) who wore what. I really thought it was the best way to spend my free time after work.
These days, I’ve upgraded to a laptop along with the rest of the world, but I’m still just as critical about red carpet fashion as I ever was, as my friends and editors will tell you. So I figured I might as well share my thoughts on tonight’s SAG Awards, which according to Julianne Moore, wasn’t just the title of the show, but an unattractive way to display her tatas. I kid, I kid. Ok, I’m totally not. See for yourself!
Thanks to my friends at E! Online (click for pics), who I feel owe me something for correctly identifying Gwyneth Paltrow’s pink Oscar dress as a Ralph Lauren without asking for so much as a PA credit, I have photos to match my critique, so watch out…I’m on fire.
Anne Hathaway: For the record, I love it. This awards season, she’s carrying herself like a middle aged woman anyway, so at least her dress is a little fun. However, don’t think I don’t notice how ill-fitting it is on top, Annie.
Jennifer Lawrence: You get a million points for wearing navy blue, but you had to go and ruin a perfect score by looking like a couture mother of the bride. Listen, the dress is gorgeous, and if you were the same letter as my generation, you’d kill it. But don’t you play a teenager in the Hunger Games? Tip to you and Anne–you don’t have to pretend you’re an old lady just because you’re nominated in the same category as some. Jeez, lighten up.
Jessica Chastain: If someone says redheads shouldn’t wear red, they’re utterly jealous of Jessica Chastain. This is as close to Jessica Rabbit as we’ll ever seen in real life. Yeah to all involved in picking this beauty!
Amanda Seyfried: Again, go navy! Also, I happen to think you are really pretty in general, so try to remember that when I say this. Your dress is a mess. A gorgeous, wrinkled mess. If only you had walked to the show instead of sitting in the limo, I might have been able to forgive you for the seams that run directly down your nipples.
Frida Pinto: This woman is so amazingly beautiful but she seriously needs to hire a stylist–or at least a good one–before I start making jokes like, “Why is she so aFRIDA picking a pretty dress?”
Naomi Watts: Perfection. I’m leaving it at that.
Nina Dobrev: I almost don’t know who you are, but if I had your body, I would wear what you wore tonight-plus or minus sleeves. This would have been incredible with long, slim sleeves, especially with the lace inserts on the side, but I recognize that you didn’t actually sew the dress, so we’re all good.
Julianna Margulies: You are lucky you are such a talented actress because you can’t dress to save your life. Fortunately, you’re such a Good Wife, it doesn’t seem to matter.
Sally Field: Sally! Do something! Your boobs are melting! Or at least, they look like they are.
Eddie Redmayne: I’m going there. I like it. If Justin Timberlake can dress like he’s guest DJ’ing at a club on New Year’s Eve in Vegas, why can’t Eddie wear brown? And he gives us a chance to line drop from one of our favorite movies…Is that velvet?
Amy Poehler: It’s like she’s jjjjjuuuusssstttttt about there this season, but she’s misses the gold medal by thatmuch. She’s so adorable and she still seems genuinely happy for her bestie when she beats her for an award. I’ll take a good friend over good fashion anytime. Apparently Amy will too.
Alec Baldwin: He looks awesome in his tux–and I thank him for actually wearing one–but what the f is happening on his head???
Elizabeth Moss: Love the dress…for the after party. I like you so much, but please note, Mad Men will end (at max it can last 10 years because it’s about a specific decade), and considering you’re not exactly a household name, you might not have a ton of these left to attend so maybe you should take advantage and dress up? I’m just putting it out there. Don’t hate me.
Jim Parson: I LOVE this. It’s so him and totally cute. It’s dapper and different. Go You!
Ellie Kemper: Oh, honey. NO! No, no, no, no, no!
Darren Criss: He’s adorable on Glee and even cuter on the red carpet. And he’s in Calvin Klein, so there’s that!
Busy Philipps: Ok. I’m in pain. Not because of the dress (I love a train-anything that has the potential to trip another celebrity is awesome), and definitely not because of the belly-I love both, independent of each other. The necklace is killer. The hair is so cool. But I can see your belly button through your dress and that’s the pregnant equivalent to accidentally flashing side boob double stick tape. Sorry, mama.
Morena Baccarin: I have to say this. I hate your outfits on your show. They dress you like an Anne Taylor junkie and it’s painful for me. My guess? You hate them too. So you ripped them apart and sewed them all together to create this nightmare. You seriously would have looked more appropriate, and a million times better, naked.
Jenna Fischer: You literally look like your character, Pam, if she was invited to one of these things. You’re so much better than this!
Peter Facinelli & Vitalie Tattinger: I recognize that because there are so many bad fashions here, I might be sounding a little negative, and since I don’t have anything nice to say, I’m just going to say this: Champagne! Yum!
Giuliana Rancic: Girlfriend looks amaze balls in color, so snaps for this Max Azria dress. My only off comment would be that I’m not totally sure how I feel about her sleeve and her hair matching. But that’s the only bad thing I’m saying and it’s not even that bad.
Sofia Vergara: I almost want to cry. I LOVE this woman! I love her so much, I’ve purchased black rouched leggings from her line at KMart. And now you know. But this is bad. It’s really bad. I almost want to put a disclaimer in here saying if you look at pictures of her in the white satin dress that looks so cheap, I actually thought it was from KMart, to beware of possible corneal ulcers. What’s worse? It’s actually Donna Karan. See, price doesn’t not equal pretty. And don’t you forget it.
Kelly Osbourne: Wow! Engagement looks good on you lady!!! So does your black studded Jenny Packham gown, even with the purple hair. The accessories-double wow! Only you can pull all that off. You are definitely on my top looks of the night list!
Nancy O’Dell: I wish I understood the obsession some women have with pageant-style dresses. I just don’t get it. How does one put this one and think it looks good? I’m so confused. But the color’s good. Oy, no it’s not. I can’t do it.
Lea Michele: I love Valentino, but even a genius can make a mistake. This, friends, is definitely one of them. I love the color, but everything else is a hot mess-it doesn’t fit at all, which I will say is NOT Valentino’s fault (insert name of stylist instead), but the bottom of this dress looks like the prairie skirt I had in 3 grade. God, I wish I still had that skirt. But, even the 3rd grade me would have known better than to wear this dress on a red carpet.
January Jones: You guys are KILLING ME! What the hell is this? I know what my friends are thinking–it slightly, just slightly, resembles the halter top of my Monique Lhuilier rehearsal dinner dress, except that mine fit perfectly, thanks to my wonderful, stylish, yet a little OCD, mom. Also, the rest of my dress was short and sweet and didn’t look like I went to JoAnn Fabric and draped myself in whatever black material I could find. January, you have a remarkable figure. Show it off and stop embarrassing me!
The cast of Downton: You all look beautiful, appropriate, and, as of about 20 minutes ago, like winners. Jolly good job. Even the one wearing mustard yellow and especially Michelle Dockery. Only a Brit can do side boob and make it look classy. Well done.
Ok, so who is my best dressed? For best dressed man: The ones who wore classic black tuxedos. I just appreciate you. Even those of you who dressed ‘em down with a long tie. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Affleck. And best dressed woman? Well, that’s easy: Michelle Dockery, Kelly Osbourne, Jessica Chastain…ok, it’s not that easy.